Where did Uncle Frank want to be buried?

setup: Where did Uncle Frank want to be buried?

[Funeral Director] qua somber black suit, clipboard, lapel pin shaped like a chalice Mr. Berger. Thank you for coming in. Let’s discuss your uncle’s final wishes.

[BILL] qua dark sweater, two-day stubble, holding a folder labeled UNCLE FRANK He left a letter.

[Funeral Director] Please.

[BILL] ((READING)) “I, Frank Berger, being of sound mind and considerable thirst, hereby direct my remains to be placed inside my favorite stein, which is to be displayed on the mantel of the Bavarian Garden in Kitchener, Ontario, where I had my best birthday in 1987.”

[Funeral Director] ((LONG BEAT)) Mr. Berger.

[BILL] Yes.

[Funeral Director] The stein.

[BILL] Yes.

[Funeral Director] One liter.

[BILL] Yes.

[Funeral Director] Uncle Frank was six foot one.

[BILL] Yes.

[Shakes] qua mortuary assistant, beaming This is the best of all possible interments.

[BILL] The letter is clear.

[Funeral Director] The letter is physically impossible.

[BILL] He was specific.

[Funeral Director] We will need to cremate.

[BILL] He didn’t want to be cremated.

[Funeral Director] Mr. Berger. He wants to be in a one-liter stein. He cannot simultaneously want to not be cremated.

[BILL] He was complicated.

[Manyfeek] qua actual stein on the table between them, slightly chipped, monogrammed FB ((FROM ITS LID)) I am willing to compromise. I am willing to be larger. I will absorb him whole if necessary.

[Funeral Director] The stein is speaking.

[BILL] The stein knew him better than I did.

[Funeral Director] ((WRITING)) We will cremate. We will fill the stein. We will seal it with the original lid. The lid is non-negotiable.

[BILL] Frank wouldn’t have it any other way.

[Manyfeek] Frank is in stein.

punchline: In his beer mug — he wanted to be Frank in Stein.