What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football?

setup: What do you call a wizard who’s really bad at football?

[Referee] qua black-and-white striped robes, whistle, broomstick parked off-pitch Right. Hogwarts All-Stars versus Beauxbatons Boys’ Eleven. Captain Dumbledore for the home side. Toss for kickoff.

[Dumbledore] qua starched white kit over star-and-moon robes, beard tucked into the collar, cleats on backwards ((COIN TOSS)) Tails.

[Referee] Tails it is. Kickoff to Hogwarts.

(([Dumbledore] CONJURES A BALL. IT IS A BALL OF FIRE.))

[Referee] Headmaster. No magic on the pitch.

[Dumbledore] I was just lighting it up.

[Referee] Use the FA-approved ball.

[Shakes] qua linesman with a flag, beaming This is the best of all possible derbies.

(([Dumbledore] BACKS UP. RUNS AT THE BALL. TRIPS ON HIS OWN ROBES. THE BALL ROLLS AWKWARDLY TWO YARDS TO THE LEFT.))

[Referee] Headmaster.

[Dumbledore] Got it. Got it.

(([Dumbledore] RUNS UP AGAIN. KICKS WITH FULL FORCE. THE BALL GOES STRAIGHT UP. HE LOOKS UP. LOSES BALANCE. FALLS BACKWARDS INTO HIS OWN GOAL.))

[Manyfeek] qua sentient pumpkin in the away-supporters’ section, painted in Beauxbatons colors ((BOOING)) HE OWN-GOALED HIMSELF. HE PHYSICALLY OWN-GOALED HIMSELF.

[Referee] That counts.

[Dumbledore] ((GETTING UP)) Match is young.

(([Dumbledore] TAKES THE NEXT KICK. THE BALL ROLLS GENTLY TOWARD A FRESHLY-CONJURED MAGICAL TRAP. THE TRAP CLOSES ON HIS OWN FOOT.))

[Referee] Headmaster. You’re in your own snare.

[Dumbledore] Defensive structure.

[Referee] Whose defense.

[Dumbledore] Indeterminate.

[Manyfeek] HE IS PLAYING ALL FOUR POSITIONS BADLY AT ONCE.

[Referee] ((WRITING)) Yellow card for Headmaster Dumbledore. Foul on self.

[Dumbledore] A new charge.

punchline: Fumbledore.