Where does Napoleon keep his armies?

setup: Where does Napoleon keep his armies?

[BILL] qua Napoleon, stacked high with buttercream and crispy wafers, surveying the battlefield. Je crois qu’il ne reste que la Garde Impériale. ::SUBTITLE: I think only my Imperial Guard, the pride of our nation, is left.::

((Across the battlefield, [Shakes] qua Wellington awaits for French hostilities))

[Shakes] qua Wellington, wrapped in pastry, filled with meat and chanterelles, surveying the battlefield. Napoleon is doomed. The wet weather will weaken the French patisserie. They will wilt against our resolve!

[Shakes] ordering his men Hold fast men of beef and potatoes! We hold the high ground and the decadent French dessert course will meet a savory end at the hands of English cuisine!

[Potatoes, Fried Fish Fillets, Fried Potatoes, Tikka Masala] shouting Hip hip hooray for the British, the most oppressed people of this earth!

((Returning to the French, [BILL] prepares his forces for the assault))

[BILL] opens his sleeves, deploys the mighty Imperial Guard Imperial French Patisserie! Your nation calls for your mighty sword! Call to me, now!

[St. Honore] armed with choux cannon balls, appears from sleeve. Mes boulets vont écraser ces mangeurs de patates anglais! ::SUBTITLE: My balls will cream the English!::

[Croquembouche] with bonded chain projectile, appears from sleeve. Ces chaînes collantes feront fuir aux abris même un tikka masala! ::SUBTITLE: Watch out, Tikka! You’re my next meal!::

[Baba au rhum] ablaze with blue fire, appears from sleeve. Le feu sur mon cœur est bleu, mais mon esprit est bleu, blanc et rouge! ::SUBTITLE: I’m finally going to cook British food correctly! With FIRE!::

[Kouign-amann] the international spy Ma couche complexe par-dessus mes combines par-dessus mes plans tordra les rosbifs en haggis! ::SUBTITLE: My twisty ways will find a way to Wellington’s heart!::

[BILL] pointing large eclair towards the troops Sus à l’ennemi! ::SUBTITLE: Get them, men!::

[St. Honore], [Croquembouche], [Baba au rhum], [Kouign-amann] shouting together, turning and advancing uphill towards English En avant ! Vive l’Empereur ! ::SUBTITLE: Yes! We charge for [BILL]!::

((Across the battlefield, [Shakes] qua Wellington looks downhill))

[Shakes] cruelly There they are men. The soggy remnants of a failed cuisine! Look at them fall apart as they slog uphill!

[Shakes] pointing a chip (which is a French Fry in this context) Show them their folly! Unleash HELL!

[Haggis] rolls out You called, sire?

punchline: In his sleevies.