Why did the scarecrow get a promotion?

setup: Why did the scarecrow get a promotion?

[CEO] qua podium, banner reading MIDWEST CROP PROTECTION INDUSTRIES — 2026 AWARDS, microphone Please join me in welcoming this year’s Regional Manager of the Year — our own, our beloved — Stan.

(([Stan] AMBLES TO THE STAGE: BURLAP HEAD, STRAW LIMBS, DENIM OVERALLS, EYES PAINTED ON, CARROT NOSE))

[Stan] qua slightly tilted, one straw arm shorter than the other, hat brim worn Thank you. Thank you all.

[CEO] Stan. Twenty-six years with the company. Zero crows. Tell us the secret.

[Stan] I just stand there.

[CEO] Tell us how you stand there.

[Stan] With my arms out. And eyes painted on.

[Shakes] qua HR rep with a corsage, beaming This is the best of all possible career trajectories.

[CEO] Stan, the board has voted unanimously to promote you to Senior Director of Field Operations.

[Stan] Same field?

[CEO] Same field. Just more title.

[Stan] What’s the raise.

[CEO] We’re going to upgrade your overalls to Carhartt.

[Stan] And the pay.

[CEO] Same pay. But Carhartt.

[Manyfeek] qua a single crow perched on the lectern ((CAWING)) This guy hasn’t moved in a quarter century. I’m right here. I’ve been right here. I built a nest in his sleeve.

[CEO] Stan, would you like to say a few words?

[Stan] ((LONG BEAT)) I’m still standing.

[CEO] And that, friends, is leadership.

[Manyfeek] He’s not leadership. He’s a mannequin.

[CEO] Tell that to the corn.

[Manyfeek] The corn is also dead.

[CEO] Tell that to the corn.

punchline: He was outstanding in his field.