Why do melons have weddings?

setup: Why do melons have weddings?

[Officiant] qua glittered cassock, Elvis-style pompadour, microphone clipped to lapel Beloved produce, we are gathered here today in the Honeydew Pavilion to witness the legal joining of two melons. May we have the cantaloupe?

[Cantaloupe Bride] qua white netting veil over a stem, slightly bruised on one side ((WHEELED IN ON A SILVER CART)) I’m here.

[Officiant] And the honeydew groom?

[Honeydew Groom] qua white-glove peel, smaller stem, very green I’m here.

[Officiant] Lovely. Cantaloupe, do you take this honeydew —

[Cantaloupe Bride] ((INTERRUPTING)) Yes. Skip ahead. Skip ahead.

[Officiant] Cantaloupe, why the rush.

[Cantaloupe Bride] I’m ripe, Father. I am very ripe right now. We have a window.

[Shakes] qua flower girl, casaba melon in a tutu This is the best of all possible matrimonies.

[Officiant] And honeydew, do you take —

[Honeydew Groom] Yes. Same window.

[Officiant] By the power vested in me by the Greater Cucurbitaceae Marriage Bureau, I now pronounce you legally fused. You may kiss the —

[Cantaloupe Bride] Skip.

[Officiant] Right. Yes. Just sign here.

[Manyfeek] qua watermelon best man, slouched, somewhat sweaty ((LEANING)) Why did you have to do this in a chapel. We could’ve just gone to the courthouse.

[Cantaloupe Bride] We could not.

[Manyfeek] Why not.

[Cantaloupe Bride] ((LOWERS VEIL)) Because we cannot elope.

[Officiant] Cantaloupe and Honeydew, you may now begin your honeymoon. You will be jam by Thursday.

punchline: Because they cantaloupe.