Why do vampires always seem sick?

setup: Why do vampires always seem sick?

[Specialist] qua white coat, stethoscope, garlic-allergy bracelet, three years specializing in the undead Mr. Drax. Thank you for coming in. Tell me about the symptoms.

[Vampire] qua centuries-old pallor, frock coat, dry hacking cough ((COUGHING)) I can’t stop. Coughing.

[Specialist] And it’s worse at night?

[Vampire] It is only at night.

[Specialist] That tracks. You’re a vampire.

[Vampire] I am aware.

[Specialist] Have you been sleeping?

[Vampire] ((COUGHS)) I sleep in my coffin. I have always slept in my coffin.

[Specialist] And the coffin is ventilated?

[Vampire] ((BEAT)) It’s a coffin.

[Shakes] qua dental hygienist with a clipboard, beaming This is the best of all possible appointments.

[Specialist] Mr. Drax. Coffins are not designed for repeated breathing. They are designed for the singular passage. You have been re-using yours for six hundred years.

[Vampire] That’s how it’s done.

[Specialist] There’s mold in there. There’s dust. There’s a bat colony on your thirteenth-century pillow.

[Vampire] ((COUGHS WETLY))

[Manyfeek] qua coffin lid leaning against the exam-room wall ((MUFFLED FROM ITS POSITION)) I can confirm. I have been sealed shut for centuries. Things grow in there.

[Specialist] Mr. Drax, I’m prescribing a modern bed. A Tempur-Pedic. Hypoallergenic. King-sized.

[Vampire] I cannot sleep above ground.

[Specialist] The bed will be below ground.

[Vampire] That’s just — that’s just a coffin.

[Specialist] Mr. Drax. Every bed is just a coffin. Mine is a coffin. Yours is a coffin. The difference is whether you can breathe in it.

[Vampire] ((COUGHS)) I’ll think about it.

punchline: They’re coffin.