Why do vampires always seem sick?

metadad · by Bill Berger

setup: Why do vampires always seem sick?

[BILL, undead] sitting on edge of table [Dr. Manyfeek] with a stethoscope. Cough.

[BILL, undead] ((HACK! Sharp teeth show))

[Dr. Manyfeek] with a stethoscope. moving Breathe in please. And hold. And out.

[BILL, undead] ((HACK! Sharp teeth show))

[Dr. Manyfeek] wrapping up stethoscope. Yeah. It’s not good. You have no pulse, your temperature is well, room, and no respirations. So, I’m not sure why you’d be coughing. Have you had a CT scan lately?

[BILL, undead] ((HACK! Sharp teeth show)) I just woke up this way.

[Dr. Manyfeek] looking at [BILL, undead] directly in the eyes. Open your mouth for me.

[BILL, undead] fangs bared AAAAA!

[Dr. Manyfeek] pushing down tongue Yep. Really long canines here and, well, your breath smells like a crypt. Have you tried gargling salt water?

[BILL, undead] scared No! I’m very sensitive to certain things. Like an autoimmune reaction? Garlic, some types of mineral waters, silver surfaces? Horrible reaction to the sun. Could it be lupus?

[Dr. Manyfeek] pulling out long sticks from closet Let me try this. It sometimes works for me.

((Manyfeek jabs the sticks into [BILL, undead]’s neck and waves a red hanky))

[BILL, undead] shrugs Was that supposed to help?

[Dr. Manyfeek] thinking, Sometimes it helps my more farmlike patients. No, you’re a special case. I think we need a specialist. Have you tried light therapy?

punchline: They’re coffin.