I ate a clock the other day.

setup: I ate a clock the other day.

[ER Doctor] qua scrubs, charting tablet, dark circles Mr. Berger. Walk me through what happened.

[BILL] qua patient gown, leftover dressing on lip, gut making clicking noises I ate a clock.

[ER Doctor] ((TAPPING)) What kind of clock.

[BILL] Mantel. Mid-century. Inherited from my grandfather.

[ER Doctor] And approximately when did you eat it.

[BILL] You’re going to ask me to be specific.

[ER Doctor] I am.

[BILL] Six-fourteen AM.

[ER Doctor] Local or Eastern.

[BILL] Eastern. Which was three-fourteen Pacific. Which was already inside me by six-fifteen.

[Shakes] qua medical student with a clipboard, beaming This is the best of all possible gastric emergencies.

[ER Doctor] Mr. Berger. The clock — is it ticking.

((BEAT. EVERYONE LISTENS. SLOW METRONOMIC CLICKING FROM BILL’S MIDSECTION.))

[BILL] It’s still ticking.

[ER Doctor] Is the escapement engaged.

[BILL] ((TILTS)) Yes. Probably near my pancreas.

[ER Doctor] And the chimes.

[BILL] They’re due at the hour.

[ER Doctor] ((WRITING)) Mr. Berger. I’m going to be honest. We can extract this. But the extraction will take time.

[BILL] How much time.

[ER Doctor] ((LOOKING AT WATCH)) All of it.

[Manyfeek] qua wall clock above the nurses’ station, second hand stuttering ((TICKING AUDIBLY)) He took me yesterday.

[ER Doctor] ((WITHOUT LOOKING UP)) Quiet.

[BILL] ((TICKING)) The grandfather had a grandfather.

[ER Doctor] Don’t.

punchline: It was very time consuming.