How do you fix a broken pumpkin?

setup: How do you fix a broken pumpkin?

[Surgeon] qua scrubs, mask, magnifying loupe, gloves Pulse is normal for a pumpkin. Stand by.

[Anesthesiologist] qua scrubs, drowsy expression, half a banana on a tray He’s under. I gave him two pounds of ground cinnamon.

[Surgeon] What’s the trauma.

[Anesthesiologist] Vertical fracture. Stem to stern. He came in via Whole Foods.

[Shakes] qua surgical resident, beaming This is the best of all possible squashes.

[Surgeon] ((LOOKING IN)) He’s a Jack-Be-Little. Twelve weeks. Cosmetically lethal but structurally salvageable.

[Anesthesiologist] Do we have patch on the cart?

[Surgeon] Bring me the patch kit.

(([Nurse] WHEELS OVER A SMALL ROLLING CART. ON IT: A SPOOL OF NEEDLE-FELT BURLAP, A POT OF ELMER’S GLUE, AND A BIBLE-SIZED PAPERBACK TITLED YOUR PUMPKIN, YOUR JOURNEY))

[Surgeon] Burlap.

[Anesthesiologist] Burlap.

[Surgeon] Glue.

[Anesthesiologist] Glue.

[Surgeon] Apply.

(([Surgeon] APPLIES A BURLAP STRIP, GLUES IT IN PLACE, SMOOTHS IT WITH A GLOVED THUMB))

[Manyfeek] qua second-year resident watching from the gallery ((FROM ABOVE)) That’s literally just patching a pumpkin. With a patch. You went to Stanford.

[Surgeon] That is the technique.

[Manyfeek] That is the etymology.

[Surgeon] ((WITHOUT LOOKING UP)) He’ll be back on the vine in six weeks. Charge his insurance for the Jack-Be-Little Whole-Person Restoration Protocol.

[Anesthesiologist] Premium tier.

[Surgeon] He has the orange card.

punchline: With a pumpkin patch.