What do you call an alligator in a vest?

setup: What do you call an alligator in a vest?

[Detective] qua tactical vest over polo, badge on hip, jaw unhinging Where were you the night of the fourth.

[Suspect] qua trembling capybara in a hawaiian shirt I was at the swamp. With my family.

[Detective] The family. We’ll get to the family.

((THE DETECTIVE’S TAIL SWINGS WIDE BEHIND THE CHAIR, CLEARING TWO COFFEE CUPS))

[Detective] You were seen entering the marsh at 2240. You were seen leaving at 2317. In between, an entire clutch of duck eggs went missing.

[Suspect] I don’t eat eggs.

[Detective] Tell that to the shells.

[Manyfeek] qua one-way mirror, smudged ((FROM BEHIND)) He doesn’t eat eggs! He’s a vegetarian!

[Detective] ((WITHOUT TURNING)) Forensics says otherwise.

[Shakes] qua case file, eight inches thick, smiling This is the best of all possible interrogations.

[Detective] Cap. I’m going to ask you straight. Did you take the eggs.

[Suspect] I — I don’t know. I blacked out. I think the swamp took the eggs.

[Detective] The swamp.

[Suspect] The swamp is sentient, Detective. You know this. We all know this.

[Detective] ((LONG BEAT)) Tell me about the swamp.

[Suspect] He wears a vest too. The swamp.

[Detective] ((STILLER)) Don’t ::OBSCENITY REDACTED:: with me.

[Suspect] He’s my partner.

punchline: An investigator.