Kenora

Ch_004_000: Kenora, Ontario

The three hundred kilometer run passes in some seventy hours and I am in Rat Portage, Ontario. “How many places are people canoeing in Canada these days? They need a special path just for the rats to carry their canoes?”

I find the large item in this town. It is a fish statue named “Husky the Muskie.” It does not look like a dog or a mink. There are two dog tourists looking at it, ||This is the worst large thing in Canada, I think.||

The other dog notes, ||Well, next stop is the largest Coke can? Maybe that one is better.||

-56EB

I see my audience and note, “Welcome to the Littlest Hobo. Today we are in Rat Portage next to Husky the Muskie.” I sigh as this cannot be very entertaining.

“I’m sure Rat Portage has an exciting story to tell us all here! Keep watching the Littlest Hobo!” and I widen my arms. I look around for anything interesting. I see a nearby gentledog’s club and walk over. There are pictures of female dogs with their bellies showing. Four pairs of bikini tops across their bodies keep them modest. The biggest picture shows “Carol Dogda” and she is wearing a white wig.

-20EB

I push open the doors and walk into the hottest nightclub in Rat Portage. The single disco ball spins slowly on a rusted chain. The ball’s spin is halted by a massive colony of cobwebs, but the lights keep it funky. The music is loud and I watch the dog dancers as they lift their legs against the multiple poles and hydrants on the dance stage. The dog audience is sparse and I see a dog dancer look more despondent than anyone else in this sad room.

+3EB

“I’m not ready to dance and I’m sure that is good news…” I say to my audience and then I recognize the saddest dancer as Carol Dogda. Carol dances slowly and with no real energy. She accepts a few milkbones in her g-string as she walks by her regulars. Someone tries to grab a haunch and she barks out, ||Look but don’t touch!||

+11EB

I watch Carol leave the stage. There’s nothing happening in this room; therefore, I will follow Carol. Maybe people like to watch her?

-15EB

I sneak past the sleeping guard dog in front of the dancer’s dressing room and enter Carol’s room. She is changing and says, ||Hey little guy! Oh! Aren’t you the cutest!||

She scratches the back of my head and my eyes roll back into my head due to the intense pleasure. I groan something like “Oh. This is just amazing. Please keep going.”

She says, ||I just need a great, handsome man like you to sweep me off my feet, my little Herb! That’s what I’ll call you: Herb Canine.||

I am still in pure bliss as her hands move to my belly. I roll over and place my legs and hands into the air. She carefully rubs my upper torso as she continues to talk, ||I need to get out of here to find a mister, but that’ll never happen without some real loonies in my pocket. These cheapskates do not tip well and man, Jerry, the owner, hasn’t paid me my salary in at least six months.||

+98EB

“What?! I thought Canada protected their workers?” I say to Carol somehow between groans.

-21EB

||Haha, little hobo, are you my agent? Well, I accept your terms! Hehehe! Do you have a contract for me to sign?|| teases Carol.

“Oh for crying out loud, no, man, this language issue is just insane. Let me write out something for her. Then, maybe she can translate it somewhere?” I think to myself.

I pick up a nearby pen in my mouth and start writing out a savings plan for Carol. First, we need to get her expenses and I ask, “So, how much do you spend in rent each month?”

+20EB

Carol looks confused and says ||Haha! What are you writing, boy? Are you an artist human or something? Hahah!||

She looks at my scribble and tosses it into the trash. She rubs me behind my ears and I lose all control of my senses. Man, these head massages are fantastic, but I’m not sure my audience is interested in any of this.

Carol puts on a robe. She finally says, ||You know, Herb? You’re right. I should leave Rat Portage. I am ready for the big time! In fact, I have always wanted to dance in San Francisco! It’s my dream!||

+40EB

I look at Carol without any understanding of how I helped. She kept rubbing my head and nothing else mattered.

-11EB

My eyes are making a complete census of the back of my skull when I feel a strap around my neck. ||There’s my little man! Are you ready to go to San Francisco? It’s a good thing I kept my leash from the last little human I owned. He was so cute. White fuzzy hair everywhere and a smashed-up face!||

+38EB

I panic as Mastereye notes, “You must stay on your itinerary. Next stop, your climax in Thunder Bay. Do not be late.”

I make a break for the door and my neck is snapped back when Carol pulls me back with a leather strap attached to my neck.

“Get this off me now! What the heck!” I yell at Carol.

She responds ||Whoa! Settle down, little hobo. Let’s get some sleep and we’ll head to SF tomorrow!||

+36EB

I struggle against her pull but she is easily four times my size. She drags me towards the car and, well, I bite her hard on the hand.

+29EB

“Herb! Ouch!” she yells as I run off. I hope Thunder Bay is close by.

+15EB