Saw a baguette at the zoo.

setup: Saw a baguette at the zoo.

[Zookeeper] qua khaki shirt, two-way radio, hat with brim, sun-cracked face Welcome to Habitat 12. Today’s featured exhibit: Baked Mammals of the Loire Valley.

[BILL] qua family-of-four group, kids tugging, tour bracelet We came for the bread.

[Zookeeper] Most do.

[BILL] Which one is the baguette?

[Zookeeper] Far corner. Behind the rosemary plant. Under the heat lamp.

(([BILL] LOOKS. A 24-INCH GOLDEN BAGUETTE LIES ON A BED OF FLOUR, GENTLY STEAMING.))

[BILL] Is he moving?

[Zookeeper] He’s resting.

[Shakes] qua docent with a clipboard, beaming This is the best of all possible zoos.

[BILL] Was he born here?

[Zookeeper] No. Captured in the wild. Outskirts of Lyon. 2019. He had wandered too close to a tour group.

[BILL] Captured.

[Zookeeper] Rescued.

[BILL] Is there a difference.

[Zookeeper] ((QUIET)) In his case, no.

[BILL] Why is he in captivity?

[Zookeeper] The bread population is declining. We’re a breeding program.

[BILL] You’re breeding bread?

[Zookeeper] With other bread. The boules are next door. The brioche is upstairs. We rotate them.

[Manyfeek] qua little ciabatta in a smaller cage labeled JUVENILE ((MUFFLED)) I was born here. I have never been outside. I have never seen olive oil. I have only known glass.

[BILL] Has he ever been outside?

[Zookeeper] The baguette?

[BILL] Yes.

[Zookeeper] Not for years. His habitat is climate-controlled. Sixty-eight percent humidity. Twenty-five degrees Celsius. Constant. He has adapted.

[BILL] Can the public interact?

[Zookeeper] Don’t tap on the glass. Don’t feed him butter. He’s on a diet.

[BILL] And the future?

[Zookeeper] ((LOOKING IN)) He will be here for the rest of his short, golden life.

punchline: It was bread in captivity.