My cat has just eaten three mallards!

setup: My cat has just eaten three mallards!

[Veterinarian] qua scrubs, stethoscope, gloves snapped on Mr. Berger. Tell me what your cat has consumed.

[BILL] qua sweater, holding a cat carrier from which heavy breathing is audible Three mallards.

[Veterinarian] Three mallards.

[BILL] Whole.

[Veterinarian] Each?

[BILL] Each.

[Veterinarian] ((BLINKING)) Mr. Berger, three mallards is approximately six pounds of waterfowl. Your cat is eight pounds.

[BILL] Yes.

[Veterinarian] And the cat is —

[BILL] Distended.

[Shakes] qua veterinary technician, beaming This is the best of all possible practices.

[Veterinarian] ((TO THE CARRIER)) Let me see him.

[BILL] ((OPENS CARRIER. A BARELY-RECOGNIZABLE LUMP OF CAT EMERGES, OUTLINED BY THREE DISTINCT DUCK-SHAPED BULGES.))

[Veterinarian] Mr. Berger.

[BILL] Yes?

[Veterinarian] This is no longer a cat.

[BILL] What is it.

[Veterinarian] ((LONG, CLINICAL EXAMINATION)) This is a different organism. Genetically reclassified by mass. Approximately half cat, half mallard.

[BILL] Half mallard?

[Veterinarian] The mallards have integrated.

[Manyfeek] qua single mallard feather stuck to the cat’s whisker ((MUFFLED)) I have been here for forty minutes. I came in attached to one of the mallards. I am also part of him now.

[Veterinarian] Mr. Berger. We have a name for this. We call it a duck-filled fatty puss.

[BILL] A —

[Veterinarian] Duck-filled. Fatty puss. It is a recognized condition.

[BILL] Spelled how.

[Veterinarian] Spelled duck-filled fatty puss. Identical phonetics to platypus. Latin name: platypus felis.

[BILL] Is it treatable?

[Veterinarian] Patience. And time. The mallards will be excreted in five to seven business days. During that period, your cat is technically a platypus.

[BILL] Insurance?

[Veterinarian] Does not cover species reassignment.

punchline: He’s a duck filled fatty puss.