I didn't want to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker…
setup: I didn’t want to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker…
[Detective] qua suit, badge, notebook, calm Mr. Berger. Tell me when you first suspected.
[BILL] qua sweater, eyes lowered, hands in lap Last spring. I went to visit him at the house.
[Detective] Go on.
[BILL] He opened the garage. He wanted to show me a new project.
[Detective] What did you see.
[BILL] ((LONG BEAT)) Stop signs.
[Detective] How many.
[BILL] Forty-seven.
[Detective] Stacked?
[BILL] Stacked. By color. By size. By state of origin.
[Shakes] qua junior detective with a coffee, beaming This is the best of all possible investigations.
[Detective] And the yield signs?
[BILL] Eleven. In the rafters.
[Detective] Speed limit signs?
[BILL] Forty-three. Sorted by speed limit.
[Detective] Any —
[BILL] Detour signs. Thirty-one. Wrong-way signs. Sixteen. One-way arrows. Twenty-four. He had a legend.
[Detective] A legend?
[BILL] Painted on the garage wall. Color-coded. Cross-referenced by jurisdiction.
[Detective] Mr. Berger. When you saw all of this, did you say anything?
[BILL] I asked him what these were for.
[Detective] What did he say?
[BILL] ((QUIETLY)) He said, “I keep them so they don’t get lost.”
[Manyfeek] qua single STOP sign leaning against the detective’s office wall, slightly bent ((FROM THE WALL)) I was reported missing in March. I have been in his garage since. He waxed me on Sundays. I have not stopped traffic in nine months. Cars are running things over.
[Detective] Mr. Berger. Did you confront him?
[BILL] No.
[Detective] Why not.
[BILL] ((LOOKING UP)) Because he was so proud. He gave me a tour. He walked me through each pile. He said “look at this one — it’s from* Nebraska*.”
[Detective] And you —
[BILL] I left. I drove home. I drove past fourteen intersections where the signs were missing. I noticed every one.
[Detective] You knew.
[BILL] I knew. I knew the whole way home.
punchline: But when I got home all the signs were there.