What has the lone cow been up to lately?

setup: What has the lone cow been up to lately?

[Dating Columnist] qua wire-rim glasses, knit cardigan, sips tea Welcome back to Dear Bovine. Reader letter. “Dear Bovine: I am the only cow in my paddock. My friends have all been moved. Nobody asks how I am. What do I do?” — Signed, A Lone Heifer.

[Lone Heifer] qua holstein, slightly damp eyes, blanket ((OFF-CAMERA, READING ALONG)) That’s me.

[Dating Columnist] Dear Lone Heifer. We are sorry to hear about your situation. Have you considered the dating app MooConnect?

[Lone Heifer] I’m on it.

[Dating Columnist] And?

[Lone Heifer] Nobody’s heard.

[Dating Columnist] Nobody’s —

[Lone Heifer] Heard. Of. Me.

[Shakes] qua audio engineer at the back, beaming This is the best of all possible advice columns.

[Dating Columnist] Lone Heifer. Have you mooed.

[Lone Heifer] I have mooed. I have mooed loudly. I have mooed for twelve days. The sound travels. But no one is in earshot.

[Dating Columnist] Why are you alone in the paddock?

[Lone Heifer] The herd was moved.

[Dating Columnist] Without you.

[Lone Heifer] Without me.

[Dating Columnist] Why.

[Lone Heifer] I missed the truck.

[Manyfeek] qua single feed bucket, half-empty, lying on its side ((FROM THE GROUND)) I have been listening to her for two weeks. I am a feed bucket. I cannot herd. I cannot speak back. But I can confirm: nobody has come.

[Dating Columnist] Lone Heifer. Have you tried mooing less?

[Lone Heifer] Why would I moo less.

[Dating Columnist] Sometimes the silence draws them in.

[Lone Heifer] That’s bad advice.

[Dating Columnist] It is. I’m just trying things.

[Manyfeek] Send the truck back.

[Dating Columnist] Who runs the truck?

[Lone Heifer] Bert.

[Dating Columnist] We will write to Bert.

[Lone Heifer] ((HOPEFUL)) And the herd?

[Dating Columnist] Will hear of you. Eventually.

punchline: Nobody’s herd.