A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer.

setup: A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer.

[Bouncer] qua bald, earpiece, tuxedo shirt, clipboard, velvet rope behind him Sir.

[Ham Sandwich] qua rye bread, four slices of black forest ham, mustard, slightly damp napkin Yeah?

[Bouncer] I.D.

[Ham Sandwich] ((PRODUCES TINY LAMINATED CARD)) Brad Sandwich. Brooklyn. Born 2018.

[Bouncer] ((READING)) Brad Sandwich. Of the Brooklyn Sandwiches.

[Ham Sandwich] Yes.

[Bouncer] Welcome. Right through here.

(([Ham Sandwich] ENTERS. PROCEEDS TO BAR. SITS ON STOOL.))

[Bartender] qua waistcoat, mustache, three-piece, polished tumbler Good evening.

[Ham Sandwich] A beer, please.

[Bartender] Sir.

[Ham Sandwich] Yes?

[Bartender] ((LONG BEAT)) Sorry. We don’t serve food here.

[Ham Sandwich] ((BEAT)) I’m a customer.

[Bartender] You are also food.

[Shakes] qua bar back with a smile, beaming This is the best of all possible establishments.

[Ham Sandwich] I’m here for a beer.

[Bartender] And I’m telling you, we have a policy. No food at the bar.

[Ham Sandwich] What about the peanuts*?

[Bartender] The peanuts are complimentary.

[Ham Sandwich] What about the bar nuts.

[Bartender] Also complimentary.

[Ham Sandwich] I will pay.

[Bartender] Sir. We do not accept payment from food.

[Ham Sandwich] Is that a health code issue?

[Bartender] It is a dignity issue.

[Manyfeek] qua pickle spear that fell out of the sandwich onto the floor ((FROM THE FLOOR)) This is institutional discrimination. I am also food. I am also thirsty. Nobody is helping us.

[Bartender] Mort, please return to the sandwich.

[Manyfeek] I am free.

[Bartender] Sir. Would you like to take your beer to go?

[Ham Sandwich] That defeats the purpose.

[Bartender] The purpose is also food.

[Ham Sandwich] ((HEAVILY)) Fine. Have a good evening.

[Bartender] Bon appétit, sir.

[Ham Sandwich] That’s exactly the problem.

punchline: The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”