Why can't a leopard hide?

setup: Why can’t a leopard hide?

[WITSEC Handler] qua dark suit, earpiece, plain badge Mr. Spots. We’re going to relocate you. New name. New city. New career.

[Leopard] qua spotted, tail twitching, sunglasses on, mid-pace I’ve tried this. Three times.

[WITSEC Handler] Tell me about the last attempt.

[Leopard] Cleveland. I was an accountant. Three weeks. Spotted at a Trader Joe’s.

[WITSEC Handler] By whom.

[Leopard] A zookeeper. On vacation.

[Shakes] qua junior agent with a clipboard, beaming This is the best of all possible relocation programs.

[WITSEC Handler] Cleveland was a bad fit. We’re considering Omaha.

[Leopard] What’s in Omaha.

[WITSEC Handler] Nothing.

[Leopard] That’s worse. I will stand out more.

[WITSEC Handler] Mr. Spots. We have options. We have resources. We have a grooming budget.

[Leopard] You can’t groom away spots.

[WITSEC Handler] We have dye.

[Leopard] ((QUIETLY)) What kind.

[WITSEC Handler] Permanent. Black.

[Leopard] You’re going to re-color me. Make me all black. Like a panther.

[WITSEC Handler] Yes.

[Leopard] Panthers are also leopards.

[WITSEC Handler] What.

[Leopard] Look it up. Black panthers are leopards with melanism. I will still be a leopard.

[Manyfeek] qua spot fallen from the leopard’s coat, lying on the desk ((FROM THE DESK)) Even my spot knows where I am. I just rolled out.

[WITSEC Handler] Sir. We’re going to need to think creatively.

[Leopard] That’s been the problem.

punchline: He’s always spotted.