Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers?

setup: Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers?

[Patent Officer] qua sleeve garters, pen, single-bulb desk lamp, 1912 Mr. Crane. State your invention.

[Crane] qua waistcoat, watch chain, slightly damp brow A small ring-shaped confection in peppermint. Six per roll. Wax-wrapped.

[Patent Officer] The hole, Mr. Crane.

[Crane] The hole is the point.

[Patent Officer] Explain.

[Crane] The hole is negative space. The hole is what you don’t pay for. The hole is pure margin.

[Shakes] qua patent office clerk, beaming This is the best of all possible candies.

[Patent Officer] You are selling a hole.

[Crane] I am selling sugar around a hole. The hole is complimentary.

[Patent Officer] And the name?

[Crane] Life Savers.

[Patent Officer] Because.

[Crane] Because if a child chokes on one, the hole allows air to pass through.

[Patent Officer] ((LONG BEAT)) You’re saying the primary safety feature of your candy is that it won’t kill the child eating it.

[Crane] Lower bar. More candy sold.

[Manyfeek] qua first prototype Life Saver rolling on the desk ((CIRCULAR)) He also invented the roll wrapper. And the cellophane. And the cardboard box that holds twenty rolls. The box is the real money.

[Patent Officer] Mr. Crane. You are going to be a wealthy man.

[Crane] I already am.

[Patent Officer] Already?

[Crane] ((SMILES)) I’m Crane. I also run the paper mill.

[Manyfeek] He prints money. Literally.

[Patent Officer] The Mint knows about this?

[Crane] I am the Mint.

punchline: They say he made a mint.