Why did the football coach go to the bank?

setup: Why did the football coach go to the bank?

[Loan Officer] qua tie, vest, fluorescent overhead, pencil behind ear Sir, welcome to Wells Fargo. How can I help you today?

[Coach] qua headset around neck, polo with team logo, clipboard I need to make a withdrawal.

[Loan Officer] Certainly. From which account?

[Coach] Quarterback.

[Loan Officer] I’m sorry?

[Coach] My quarterback. I’d like him back, please.

[Loan Officer] ((BEAT)) Sir, we don’t —

[Coach] You have him. I deposited him last Tuesday.

[Loan Officer] Sir, we are a retail bank.

[Coach] I have a deposit slip.

(([Coach] PRODUCES A WRINKLED, SLIGHTLY DAMP PIECE OF PAPER WITH “DREW BARNES, 6’3”, 215 LBS, $48M” WRITTEN ON IT))

[Shakes] qua bank greeter, smiling This is the best of all possible branches.

[Loan Officer] ((READING)) Drew Barnes. Forty-eight million.

[Coach] He’s my starter.

[Loan Officer] And you put him in our vault?

[Coach] Yes. Last Tuesday. Three pm. I have footage.

[Loan Officer] Sir, this is highly unusual.

[Coach] He has a game on Sunday.

[Manyfeek] qua security camera mounted in the corner ((WHIRRING)) Yeah I saw the whole thing. He totally put a man in the safe.

[Loan Officer] ((TURNING TO CAMERA)) We don’t do that, Manny.

[Manyfeek] You did that, Linda.

[Loan Officer] ((TO COACH)) Sir, I need to verify your identity. Do you have a photo ID?

[Coach] I have a playbook.

[Loan Officer] That’ll work.

punchline: To get his quarterback.