What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom?

setup: What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom?

[Audition Panel Chair] qua tailcoat, music stand, fingernails clean Mr. Berger. Please introduce yourself.

[BILL] qua amateur tubist, tuba slung over shoulder, slightly damp shirt Bill Berger. Symphony tuba. Three years private lessons. Some concert band.

[Panel Chair] And what will you be playing for us today?

[BILL] The Vaughan Williams Concerto for Bass Tuba. Second movement.

[Panel Chair] A bold choice. Begin.

(([BILL] RAISES THE TUBA, PRESSES THE VALVES, EMITS A LONG, MOIST, SQUEEZING SOUND))

[Shakes] qua principal cellist, beaming This is the best of all possible auditions.

[Panel Chair] Mr. Berger.

[BILL] ((LOOKS DOWN AT THE TUBA)) The valve is —

[Panel Chair] Mr. Berger. The instrument you are holding is not a tuba.

[BILL] ((QUIETLY)) Yes. Yes it is.

[Panel Chair] That is toothpaste. A family-sized tube of toothpaste.

[BILL] ((SQUEEZING)) The Vaughan Williams calls for mint.

[Manyfeek] qua second-chair trombone, valve oil staining his lapel ((LEANING IN)) He’s been doing this for three years. Nobody had the heart.

[Panel Chair] Mr. Berger. You are brushing your trousers.

[BILL] That is the embouchure.

[Panel Chair] That is Crest Whitening.

[BILL] You can hear it in the low brass.

[Panel Chair] You can hear it in the plumbing.

punchline: A tuba toothpaste.