What do you call a fake noodle?

setup: What do you call a fake noodle?

[FBI Agent] qua badge on lanyard, windbreaker, earpiece, navy ball cap Move. Move move move. Federal agents.

(([FBI Agent] KICKS DOWN THE DOOR OF A LITTLE ITALY KITCHEN. STEAM EVERYWHERE.))

[Linguine] qua handmade, semolina, slightly damp ((HANDS UP)) What is this. What is this.

[FBI Agent] You are under arrest for misrepresenting your identity in interstate commerce.

[Linguine] I’m linguine!

[FBI Agent] We have records, Mr. Linguine. We have test results.

[Shakes] qua pappardelle, broad, well-floured, smiling This is the best of all possible pasta drawers.

[FBI Agent] ((PRODUCES A LAB REPORT)) You contain forty-three percent rice flour.

[Linguine] That’s a recipe variation.

[FBI Agent] That is fraud.

[Linguine] I have kids. I have a box. The box says LINGUINE.

[FBI Agent] The box is going to say DEFENDANT.

[Manyfeek] qua salt shaker, knocked over, leaking ((FROM THE COUNTER)) He’s a fugazi, agent. He’s a plant.

[FBI Agent] Are you offering testimony?

[Manyfeek] I am offering seasoning.

[FBI Agent] Mr. Linguine, you have the right to remain uncooked. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of culinary law.

[Linguine] ((CRUMBLING)) I was made in a factory in New Jersey.

[FBI Agent] We know.

punchline: An impasta.