What does a nosey pepper do?

setup: What does a nosey pepper do?

[Jalapeño] qua heirloom, ridged green, hanging from a vine, leaning sideways ((SIBILANT WHISPER)) Did you see what the bell pepper brought to the potluck?

[BILL] qua reluctant produce-aisle witness I’m just trying to buy groceries.

[Jalapeño] ((CUPS NON-EXISTENT HAND TO MOUTH)) Bell pepper. Hollow. We’re calling her Sandra now. Sandra brought a seven-layer dip and lied about the cilantro.

[Shakes] qua sweet poblano, glossy, slightly bruised This is the best of all possible vegetable communities.

[Jalapeño] Poblano has three children with three different stem-types. Three.

[Shakes] We are all in God’s salsa.

(([Habanero] ROLLS PAST, FANNING ITSELF))

[Habanero] Have you HEARD about the Scotch Bonnet?

[Jalapeño] Don’t. I’m working.

[BILL] Working at what.

[Jalapeño] I’m in produce intelligence. I aggregate. I cross-reference. I file weekly with the Department of Agriculture.

[Manyfeek] qua shopping-cart wheel that won’t lock straight ((METALLIC GRIND)) You’re a narc, Hal.

[Jalapeño] My name is not Hal.

[Manyfeek] I’m calling you Hal. Hal the narc.

((THE MISTERS COME ON OVERHEAD. EVERY PEPPER SHIVERS.))

[Jalapeño] ((LOWER)) The eggplant. Last Tuesday. The eggplant was seen leaving the organic section.

[Shakes] We move toward our highest selves.

[BILL] What do I do with this information.

[Jalapeño] Pass it on. That’s how it works.

punchline: He gets jalapeño business.