Starship Troopers

metabill · by Bill Berger

i am in mid twenties and in perfect physical health.

i see my piercing blue eyes, square jaw, and white teeth and think how exceptionally handsome i am. My military uniform is Hugo Boss perfect over my shoulders and i have screaming eagles on each lapel which shows how deadly i am. i am addressing my troops as they stand at strict attention.

[BILL] qua Rico and badly filling in Michael Ironside Welcome to Berger’s Roughnecks! HOOYAH! (Not very good. HOOYAH, but I do my best)

[Manyfeek] qua Ace ::OBSCENITY REDACTED::

[Shakes] qua Dizzy Yeah BILL! Go Roughnecks! Let’s get to see our next target: PLAN-IT!

[BILL] speaking to [CARMEN] via VidLink Captain Carmen! Please bring up the PLAN-IT video for the troops to review!

[CARMEN, a well watered Dracaena] ((GROWS SILENTLY))

[Manyfeek] qua Ace pressing a button on a panel ::OBSCENITY REDACTED::, I’ll do it.

A video plays to all of the troops on a large overhead monitor. The audio is loud and clear:

[VIDEO] showing graphs. narrator off screen. PLAN-IT is a BUG PLAN-IT! Look how many BUG! Kill them all! …. then, WOULD YOU LIKE TO KNOW MORE!

[BILL] trying to think, but finding it difficult, then comes up with the answer. YES!

[VIDEO] showing graphs. narrator off screen. PLAN-IT is a BUG PLAN-IT! Look how many BUG! Kill them all! …. then, WOULD YOU LIKE TO KNOW MORE!

[BILL] HOOYAH! (still weak, still waiting for Michael to come back if he can). Let’s go to PLAN-IT and SHOOT ALL THE BUGS! YEAH! YEAH!

((Tattoo montage))

[BILL] getting KILL ALL BUGS ON PLAN-IT tattoo using lasers [Shakes] getting KILL ALL BUGS ON PLAN-IT tattoo using lasers [GAMS] getting KILL ALL BUGS ON PLAN-IT tattoo using lasers [Manyfeek] getting ::OBSCENITY REDACTED:: tattoo using lasers

((Flying to PLAN-IT montage)) [BILL] looking snappy in uniform LET’S USE HYPERSPEED TO GO TO PLAN-IT, [CARMEN]. FIRE UP THE ENGINES!

[CARMEN, a well watered Dracaena] sitting at pilot chair ((GROWS SILENTLY))

[Manyfeek] qua Ace reaching over [CARMEN] to pilot handles ::OBSCENITY REDACTED::, I got it.

((SPACE SHIP TAKES OFF TO PLAN-IT)) ((WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA BANG!))

((Battle montage)) [BILL] shooting BUGS! BANG! BANG! Green stuff all over! [Shakes] using heavy machine gun and rockets at BUGS! BANG! BANG! BANG! Green stuff all over! [GAMS] doing HR on multiple bugs. BUG patellas fly off in waves. [Manyfeek] eats a grenade and explodes.

((SWITCH SCENES!)) [CARMEN] flying fighter jet ((GROWS SILENTLY))

((Battle montage return)) [Shakes] This is the best of all possible movies to make multiple sequels of!

((… and we start watching the second movie… maybe))