Sergei the Egg Fiend

i am forty but also strangely eight, hispanic and female.

i see that i have a bowl cut, and am wearing a talking backpack named Shakes. Next to me, a blue talking monkey watches me carefully.

[BILL] staring outwards as if someone was there HI EVERYBODY!

[BILL] waits and then continues ¡Buenas a todos!

[BILL] nearly shouts even though it’s unclear how far the listener might be? TODAY WE’RE GOING TO FIND AN EGG THIEF!

[BILL] singing out loud Shakes o shakes o shakes shakes. Shake a alake alake a dooozie! How can we find the EGG THIEF?

[SHAKES] head removed and floating in a circle of his own misery Why! First we go to Coffee Bar Island! Then we go to Breakout Room Mine Shaft! Then we go to Cafeteria Lost Lunches! That’s where we’ll find EGG THIEF!

[BILL] delighted! First we go to Coffee Bar Island!

[BILL] pauses

[BILL] still delighted! Then we go to Breakout Room Mine Shaft!

[BILL] pauses

[BILL] still and strangely even more delighted than before! Then we go to Cafeteria Lost Lunches! That’s where we’ll find EGG THIEF!

[BILL] actually, for god’s sakes, moves. Here we are at Coffee Bar Island!

[BOOTS, a blue talking monkey] Can we just hurry this along, please?

[BILL] disappointed OK. Where are the bagels? Did someone leave them in the kitchen? Someone asked for eggs? Is that what I smell?

[BOOTS, a blue talking monkey] Yeah. It’s eggs, dude. What do you want to do about it?

[BILL] frustrated OK. Follow me. Bring the eggs.

[BOOTS, a blue talking monkey] holding box full of smelly eggs. trying to keep face away from rising fumes Man, this stuff stinks bad.

[BILL] calling back to [BOOTS] The armory is just ahead. Round this bend.

[BILL] putting eyeball on eye scanner. door slides open. revealing local broadcast team arsenal. (([BILL] and [BOOTS] enter)) ((PASSING RIFLE RACKS)) ((PASSING GAS GRENADES RACKS))

[BOOTS] asking. face pointed at [GAS GRENADES] What you got those for?

[BILL] opening dangerous security box with BEEP-BOOP-BEEP-BEEP pad typing Gas? Those are for rampaging typographic issues or logical symbols. You’d be surprised how handy they are around here.

(([dangerous security box] opens with a hisssssss. and smoke comes from top))

[BILL] pointing at the box. OK. Boots-a-rino. Eggs in here. Watch the lox and Nielsen rating books.

[BOOTS] carefully dropping his egg box inside the larger security box Oh man dude. You even have some old Arbitron?

[BILL] agreeing. sad. closing box. Yes. Just in case it gets out again. Need it for the future maybe.

[BOOTS] dusting off hands. Man. I’m glad it’s you holding on to this stuff.

[BILL]’s hand on [BOOTS]’s shoulder Well, let’s just hope we never have to use it.

[BOOTS] agrees. asks. Can I start drumming?

[BILL] sits in hallway. waiting I’ve been waiting all day, dude.

[BOOTS] blissful. stands with bongos ((BOOTS DRUM: BoomBabaBoomBabaBoomBabaBoom))

((fade from here))