Offshoring Monkeys Paw

i am in my forties looking out from a window overlooking Pleasure Island.

i see a conference room table with a octopus like speakerphone sitting in the middle. i can hear voices very soft and difficult to understand from the people speaking on the other side. we’re both up at odd hours as they are located in Oz which is 12 hours away.

a winkie on the line starts to speak. he is our offshore development lead from a consultancy and he’s here to help me demonstrate his new stored procedures.

[WINKIE TECH LEAD] very softly, barely heard O-Eh-Yah! O-Eh-Yah! O-Eh-Yah! O-Eh-Yah!

[BILL] I’m sorry. You’re a bit soft on this side. Could you speak up please.

[WINKIE TECH LEAD] slightly louder but obviously yelling on his side. O-Eh-Yah! O-Eh-Yah! O-Eh-Yah! O-Eh-Yah!

[COACHMAN] at [BILL]’s side I speak winkie. He’s saying we should run the procedure in staging now. We should get a good read on performance from that.

[BILL] with donkey ears on each side now. I’ve run the procedure but not sure it’s finished?

[WINKIE TECH LEAD] very softly still O-Eh-Yah!

[COACHMAN] He says you should wait. It takes a second.

[BILL] with donkey head. Eeee-yonk! Is it finished yet? Wait did I just Eeee-yonk!

[COACHMAN] I didn’t notice anything.

[WINKIE TECH LEAD] O-Eh-Yah!

[COACHMAN] Neither did he.

[BILL] runs to nearby window to see reflection and pats his donkey head Eeee-yonk! Eeee-yonk! Eeee-yonk! I didn’t want to be a donkey! What’s this stored procedure actually doing?

[WINKIE TECH LEAD] very angry. very loud O-Eh-Yah! O-Eh-Yah! O-Eh-Yah! O-Eh-Yah!

[COACHMAN] He said you didn’t say in the spec that you didn’t want a donkey head. How is he supposed to work? Read minds? He’s quite angry now.

[BILL] now fully donkey, looking longingly at Pleasure Island Eeee-yonk! Eeee-yonk! Eeee-yonk!

[COACHMAN] leading [BILL] away No complaining now. Come along

[BILL] looking upwards to [COACHMAN] with watery eyes Eeee-yonk! Eeee-yonk! Eeee-yonk!

[COACHMAN] leading [BILL] away You didn’t say anything in the spec about salt mines either. Come along now…