Netgi Ssas Cube Blind Bi
i am in thirties and talking to a user experience specialist about new categories of visualizations. good visuals can make or break a dashboard, a board meeting, or a group of bored attendees.
[UX Developer, a large sentient granite stone] Hello, Bill. I hear our visualizations need work.
[BILL] agreeing I have heard that as well. Can you help?
[UX Developer, a large sentient granite stone] showing ideal pie chart Yes. I do not see any pie charts on here. Did you forget them?
[BILL] agreeing No, we don’t tend to use the pie chart. People are always on a diet and the mess…
[UX Developer, a large sentient granite stone] interrupting with ideal donut chart Yes. Now we have something new, the donut chart.
[BILL] hmm-ing. How many calories are in a donut versus a slice of pie? The mess factor is better unless you mean sprinkles? Those get everywhere
[UX Developer, a large sentient granite stone] interrupting with ideal donut chart Well, if you get a smaller donut, it can be less caloric.
[BILL] hmm-ing. Oh. We could use donut holes…
[UX Developer, a large sentient granite stone] slightly angry No no. Donut holes are pies. Ugh, let’s move on.
[UX Developer, a large sentient granite stone] showing a new strange, but ideal chart. This is the spider or radar chart…
[BILL] hmm-ing. Which is it? Spider? We just fumigated. No need at all. Put it outside where it can do some good. Radar? Now that would be very helpful. We’ve been attacked by other offices at times and an early warning would be super?
[UX Developer, a large sentient granite stone] angry and now flipping through ideal catalog of visual classes Scatter …
[BILL] dives under desk. frightened. Is it SNAKES! Where are they?
[UX Developer, a large sentient granite stone] angry and now flipping through ideal catalog of visual classes Faceted chart …
[BILL] coming back up from under desk Facetious charts? No, our charts should be sober and informative. Clients don’t like to be mocked.
[UX Developer, a large sentient granite stone] angry and now flipping through ideal catalog of visual classes Waterfall chart …
[BILL] We don’t have any swimgear.
[UX Developer, a large sentient granite stone] angry and now flipping through ideal catalog of visual classes Candlestick chart …
[BILL] Rarely have any issues with the lighting here. This sounds nicer but we probably couldn’t read our ratings books that way.
[UX Developer, a large sentient granite stone] angry and now flipping through ideal catalog of visual classes Word cloud chart …
[BILL] We try to keep our dashboards clean and sunny. Clouds would get in the way.
[UX Developer, a large sentient granite stone] angry and now flipping through ideal catalog of visual classes Win-loss chart …
[BILL] “Win?” Can you define that for me?
[UX Developer, a large sentient granite stone] angry and now flipping through ideal catalog of visual classes Sunburst chart …
[BILL] Yep. Totally. Blow that word cloud away and lets all enjoy the sun…
[UX Developer, a large sentient granite stone] angry and now flipping through ideal catalog of visual classes Marimekko chart …
[BILL] Nobody speaks Japanese here. You might want to go to the APAC region lead?
[UX Developer, a large sentient granite stone] angry and now flipping through ideal catalog of visual classes Big number graph …
[BILL] Has [KayCEE] seen this one? She’d love it. Perfection. Can you show me a 7 or a 9 on it now…
[UX Developer, a large sentient granite stone] angry and now flipping through ideal catalog of visual classes Violin chart …
[BILL] I’ve been meaning to add strings to the band, but can’t really find anyone. Do you know a good violinist? Maybe someone ready to lead a group?
[UX Developer, a large sentient granite stone] STOPS AND YELLS THIS IS GOING ON FOREVER!!
[BILL] It can. If you want it to?
[UX Developer, a large sentient granite stone] STOPS AND YELLS I have made a visualization that you have NOT SEEN BEFORE.
[BILL] ORLY? I’ve seen a few in my job…
[UX Developer, a large sentient granite stone] proud I call it “goat hill”, and no, THERE ARE NO REAL GOATS OR HILLS INVOLVED. This is a metaPHOR. Ok?
[BILL] Perfect. I am all about meta anything. Let’s see a demo?
[UX Developer, a large sentient granite stone] fires up animated presentation of a grassy field with a hill on it. The hill represents our clients key KPI. Ideally, we need to maximize this value.
[BILL] OK. Got it. Where are the goats?
[UX Developer, a large sentient granite stone] presenting The goats are coming. This is a real-time visualization. We’re waiting for a media plan to kick off. OH. Here comes one now?
[Virtual Goat] at bottom of hill SAAAALES! SAAAALES! ((goat call))
[UX Developer, a large sentient granite stone] quiet so we can hear Here comes another one. Be quiet or you’ll spook it.
[Virtual Cassowary] walking, and then a sudden kick to the left with a sharp talon. AAAAAAAAAAWARE-N-NESS! AAAAAAAAAAWARE-N-NESS! AAAAAAAAAAWARE-N-NESS!
[UX Developer, a large sentient granite stone] quiet so we can hear Quiet now. They’re all coming out…
[Virtual Tortoise] slows down. REE-TENNNN-shun. REE-TENNNN-shun.
[Virtual Cow] chewing grass ENGAGE-MOOOOOOOOOOONT! ENGAGE-MOOOOOOOOOOONT!
[Virtual Hawk] circling overhead then diving REV-VEEEEE-NUUUUUUUUUUUE!
[UX Developer, a large sentient granite stone] quiet so we can hear Quiet now. We should see some optimization soon.
[Virtual Cassowary] walking towards [Virtual Goat] AAAAAAAAAAWARE-N-NESS! AAAAAAAAAAWARE-N-NESS! AAAAAAAAAAWARE-N-NESS!
[Virtual Goat] killed by [Virtual Cassowary] SAALE! SAALE! SALE! ((ugly death))
[UX Developer, a large sentient granite stone] wincing Yeah. Cassowary. Kinda hard to have them in the pen with the rest. Maybe it’ll work out this time…
[Virtual Cassowary] walking towards [Virtual Cow] AAAAAAAAAAWARE-N-NESS! AAAAAAAAAAWARE-N-NESS! AAAAAAAAAAWARE-N-NESS!
[Virtual Cow] murdered by [Virtual Cassowary] ENGAGE-MOOoooo…
[Virtual Cassowary] walking towards [Virtual Tortoise] AAAAAAAAAAWARE-N-NESS! AAAAAAAAAAWARE-N-NESS! AAAAAAAAAAWARE-N-NESS!
[Virtual Tortoise] hides in shell as [Virtual Cassowary] batters from the outside. REE-TENNNN-shun. REE-TENNNN-shun.
[Virtual Cassowary] still hungry starts to climb hill AAAAAAAAAAWARE-N-NESS! AAAAAAAAAAWARE-N-NESS! AAAAAAAAAAWARE-N-NESS!
[Virtual Hawk] due to a lack of food, dies midair and plummets off screen REV-VEEEEE-Nuuuu…
[Virtual Cassowary] gets to top of hill. small graphic appears: OPTIMIZATION COMPLETED AAAAAAAAAAWARE-N-NESS! AAAAAAAAAAWARE-N-NESS! AAAAAAAAAAWARE-N-NESS!
((DEMO ENDS))
[BILL] impressed This is actually quite good and useful. How big is the javascript package?
[UX Developer, a large sentient granite stone] shrugging After minimization, about 500 MB down the wire. CDN helps.
[BILL] impressed This will be the best of all possible visualizations. It’s worth the wait. Thanks [UX Developer]
((BILL attempts handshake with large stone)) ((… and we swipe cut away.))