Index of What Matters

i am in my forties as a data engineering manager and watching something on my office computer.

i see a recording from Cannes, France, from our key android at our agency. He’s desribing a new capability here called the “The Measure of Things People Give A Shit About”. i don’t know anything about this and he explains: “Our clients make decisions on when to advertise on shaky metrics like government statistics and real-time supply and demand market data.”

“The Measure of Things People Give A Shit About will replace all that voodoo. Instead, we’ll collect key measures like the sentiment of bloggers on the Huffington Post, the current gross tonnage of the Kardashians, and how many tweets contain the word fuck. These are the things people give a shit about and should be a good gauge when someone should advertise or not.”

Bobby Shakes is here and is watching over my shoulder.

[SHAKES] putting his chin into his hand. I wonder how to make a number of out all of those things? What unit could we use?

i’m thinking that whoever ends up with this one will be screwe…

BAM! KayCEE explodes into the room. GAMS lifts a leg for a knee strike, but i manage to stop it with a spray bottle and a firm “NO! NO GAMS! NO HR! NO!”. It sparks and shuffles glumly back to the corner.

[KayCEE] BILL, Let’s start work on The Measure of Things People Give A Shit About! Are you excited? I’m super excited. Let’s talk about numbers first.

[BILL] Confused KayCEE? We’re working on The Measur-

[KayCEE] First things first, no 5. Look at that big dumper on 5. I mean what’s worse? 55. Like put down the paella, guys! No 5. It’s out.

[BILL] Even more confused. Sorry. No fi-

[KayCEE] 8, BILL-BILL-BILL, say it fast, 8-8-8-8-8. Now you 8 yourself too. No 8.

[BILL] Stares

[KayCEE] Continues 9, BILL, now 9 knows who she is and doesn’t rush into things. She’s always at the end, making sure the other digits are there. You have to have 9.

[BILL] Agreeing OK. No 8 and 5. 9 is in. I’m taking notes.

[KayCEE] Happy Good. 4 is fucking boring. Everyone know just half of 8 and nobody likes 8 anyhow.

[BILL] Totally. Always said that about 4. No 4 either.

[KayCEE] Angry 2, that f-er, thinks she’s hot shit and all. Oh, me and mine are fine but you and yours are odd. F-U judge yourself first bitch!

[BILL] Snaps fingers You GO girl! Next!

[KayCEE] Softening Now, BILL, 1 is just fine. Nobody got problems with him and he everywhere.

[BILL] Nodding Don’t you know it!

[KayCEE] Brigtening … and 3, BILL, it’s the magic number.

[BILL] Singing De-La-Soul … yes it is; it’s the magic number!

[KayCEE] Darkens. Eyes turn red. Horns on head appear

[BILL] scared. 666. I knew it. No f-ing way.

[KayCEE] beatboxes Dum-dum-dum-dum dum-da-dum-dum-dum-dum, beeno beeno been, rifled thing looking at some sexy man in a tuxedo. OH! Something’s in my eye… and when did Marnie get here? BILL!

[BILL] happily 7 is dead sexy baby!

[KayCEE] Pauses

[BILL] confused. What’s left?

[KayCEE] plainly Nothing. 0 mean nothing, right? Well, you can’t know nothing about no thing. So, no thing about nothing in our thing.

[BILL]’s head starts violently shaking from side-to-side. He puts up his arms to try to stop it. Whaaat ddddidddd yyyyouuuu jjjjjusttt ssssayyyy?

[KayCEE] plainly. repeating. Nutton at all.

[BILL]’s head EXPLODES!

[SHAKES] with gore from Bill’s head sliding off face This will be the best of all possible measurements!