Moving Day
i’m looking out of my window on my last day at Doomed Media’s Los Angeles office.
It’s a Friday around midday and i’m the only person in our hallway suite on Wilshire. Doomed Media was located a bit west of the 405 freeway, and we’d been purchased by Interpublic, who had decided that Doomed Media would simply fold into Action and cease to exist entirely. Today, i’m to help the movers from Action clear out this suite.
i’ve managed to convince all the buyers to go home and let me finish this off and i look down the hall briefly at some 200 file boxes or so stacked outside each buyer’s office. These boxes, and the fact that they were filled with paper copies of media schedules from a mainframe, were a major achievement. You see, the moving story really starts like this:
[BILL] on phone, calling Action “services” Hi guys. I was told that I should call you about our upcoming suite move? It’s in about three months and nobody has planned out anything yet?
[SERVICES] Hi Bill. No worries. We’ll send over the moving materials and it’s all pretty self explanatory.
[BILL] Cool beans. I’ll look for it.
…. scratch cut forward.
i’m staring at 40 legal-sized large file boxes and a note on them, “put your files in these boxes and leave outside your door.” The 40 or so media buyers, when confronted with this assistance, do what they do in a crisis. They freak the fuck out.
[CROWD] many buyers of various ages shouting at BILL HOW CAN I PUT MY 50 YEARS OF FRESNO BUYS IN A SINGLE BOX?!
HOW MANY FILE CABINETS DO I GET AT THE NEW PLACE?!
DO I HAVE A FILE CABINET IN MY OFFICE OR DO I HAVE TO WALK TO GET TO IT?!
HOW MANY STEPS?!
… scratch cut to a montage.
[BILL] running into Staples HOW MANY LARGE FILE BOXES DO YOU HAVE?
[STAPLES employee] points to stack reaching the ceiling
[BILL] hoisting and lifting boxes
[BILL] shoving as many boxes as he can fit into the Passat
[BILL] carrying boxes in waves from Passat to office
Repeat, i dunno, 10 times?
…. and fade back to here now.
After multiple weeks of packing up boxes, the buyers were satisfied that everything important was now in a box and ready to move. i look at the rest of the suite and note several other things here that are completely untouched: all furniture, all office equipment like copiers, printers, phone everything, coffee service stuff, the refrigerator, the industrial-strength office plants that the rando guy comes and polishes for us.
KNOCK! KNOCK!
i hear someone at the suite door. i look down again and see that there’s a panel van outside with the words “Action Media” and “Services” under it, double-parked and blocking the bus stop. This is confusing as i’m unsure why a media buying company would have a panel van? What are we carryin…
KNOCK! KNOCK!
No time for daydreaming. i go to the door and meet our guests:
[ACTION HUMAN] “Hello Bill. Welcome to Action. We are here to move yous.”
Three guys with Action T-shirts on with snake huckologist tattoos are here. About twenty brown snakes slither into the suite. i get out of their way and the service humans enter.
[ACTION HUMAN] Hey. Plenty of boxes. More than we sent. That’s cool. Could you help us and start getting the desktop machines ready to move?
[BILL] looking around for a rack or boxes Uh. Sure. I can help. Where do I put the machines? Some rack…
[ACTION HUMAN] Nah Bill. It’s simple:
Step 1: Get the wastepaper basket from under the desk. Like this see?
Step 2: Take that big ’ole CRT off the top of the main thing there?
Step 3: Huck the main thing into the wastepaper basket.
Step 4: Wrap up everything with them loose cords and shit. Done and done!
[BILL] dodging a hucked box of Fresno buys Yes sir! I’m on it.
… montage …
[BILL] hucking Pentiums into trash cans
[SNAKES] hucking boxes of paper buys
[BOBBY SHAKES] qua random buyer This is the best of all possible moving strategies? and is cleanly decapitated by a fast moving box of Fresno buys.
…. scrape cut.
BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM!
Someone is at the door?
[ACTION HUMAN] peeks and slams the door shut Fuck dawg. It’s the property manager and she looks pissed.
[BILL] I’ll try.
[BILL] opens door
[PROPERTY MANAGER] explodes “YOU CAN’T JUST HUCK YOUR SHIT UP AND DOWN THE HALLWAYS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE GOD DAMN DAY SON!”
[BILL and PROPERTY MANAGER] duck a hucked box of Fresno buys
[BILL] “Well, it seems we are hucking our shit up and down the hallways? So, maybe shouldn’t and not can’t?”
[PROPERTY MANAGER] angered I’M CALLING SOMEONE!?!
[BILL] Ok?
[PROPERTY MANAGER] pivots and storms off
[BILL] now a bit nervous So, guys, uh. Need any more help?
[SNAKE] sssssssssss-is-ss-fine-ssss-bill-ssss-we-ss-s-s-got-s-s-s-s fr-sssssss-om here.
[ACTION HUMAN] nods
So, i went directly home. Next Monday, i arrive at Action at 5700 Wilshire. My computer was unhucked and waiting. Files there. File server connected. Paper boxes in front of each buyer. Only a handful of pissed-off folks, but the most pissed off: Pitney Bowes. They have no idea where their postal meter is and neither do i, but it’s fun to talk to them about it and reminisce about the good old days at Doomed Media.