Gams

i am sitting in with the analytics team in New York under KayCEE, the flamenco dancing lead on our key client. i’m with the entire staff of their internal development team who is responsible for their modeling framework promised to our key client in the retention review. The entire staff is one developer working alone named Bobby Shakes, a well meaning human from some foreign country. i think he’s a doctor of somekind; therefore, let’s call him Dr. Shakes just in case.

[BILL] extending hand to [Dr. Shakes] Hey! Nice to meet yo…

[Dr. Shakes] brushes hand aside. Sorry. Time for the DSU. I’ll be there in a second. OK?

[BILL] retracting hand. Oh! Sorry. I’ll meet KayCEE while you do that.

((FOCUS ON SHAKES AS BILL MOVES TO BACKGROUND)) [Dr. Shakes] qua dev, standing in front of his desk Yesterday, I fixed the bug in production that I caused by not completing QA before deploying. Today, I plan on wrapping up the modeling feature that I deferred yesterday when I was fixing the bug in production.

[Dr. Shakes] qua person who talks in meetings, makes charts, is a “master” of something? runs around and sits at desk Any blockers, Bobby?

[Dr. Shakes] qua dev, runs back and stands at front. No blockers, Bobby. I commit to this work today.

[Dr. Shakes] qua person who talks in meetings, makes charts, is a “master” of something? runs around and sits at desk Great! Back to work, please. I need to focus on this Excel workbook.

((FOCUS MOVES TO [BILL] AS HE IS GREETED BY [KayCEE])) [KayCEE] AH HAA! BILL! So, good to see you and I saw that you met [Dr. Shakes]? Isn’t he wonderful? Scrum with one day sprints!

[BILL] runs to sink. puts water in mouth. runs back and does a spit take. Sorry?

[KayCEE] turning [BILL] by the shoulder. Nevermind that SDLC talk is so, so, so, so, very dull. Almost like talking about deployment strategies or web frameworks. Next thing you know, you start seeing colors: oh. This deployment is green and this is blue? People go crazy like that all the time.

[KayCEE] introducing Please, BILL, meet my new partner in crime and your new best friend! [GAMS]!

[GAMS] two legs attached to a steel plate. bare. fishnets. high heels. red pumps today. ((SWAYING. UNSPEAKING))

[BILL] cautious Uh. Does it talk?

[KayCEE] ebullient AH HAAAAA! Do you see a mouth you gigantic 1 of a man? No no. [GAMS] doesn’t talk. [GAMS] does

[BILL] still uncertain asking [KayCEE] Does what exactly?

[KayCEE] selling Everything, silly! Watch. [GAMS]! Coffee, please?

[GAMS] walks to coffee station, gets on one foot, and crane kicks the glass urn in a straight line to [KayCEE]

[KayCEE] has glass urn explode in her midsection. coffee everywhere. dripping See?

((FOCUS ON SHAKES AS BILL MOVES TO BACKGROUND)) [Dr. Shakes] trying to type quickly, but jumps up mid-sentence TIME FOR A RETROSPECTIVE!

[Dr. Shakes] running in front of desk We could ship faster if Bobby didn’t make so many bugs or at least tested his own code!

[Dr. Shakes] running to side of desk QA could also do some real work at the start of the sprint! In fact…

((FOCUS MOVES TO [BILL], [KayCEE] and [GAMS])) [KayCEE] selling BILL. We must start using [GAMS] for everything! Try something you need done. [GAMS] optimizes.

[BILL] very curious now, showing laptop to [GAMS] Any ideas on how to improve this dashboard, [GAMS]?

[GAMS] stops. waits a moment. then does a perfect roundhouse kick ((BILL’S LAPTOP GOES FLYING ACROSS ROOM. HITS WALL AND EXPLODES))

[Dr. Shakes] enters to talk to [KayCEE] I am not working with Bobby ANY LONGER. I am WALKING!

[KayCEE] unimpressed [BILL] watch [GAMS] do HR!

[GAMS] immediately, sharply, does a knee strike on [Dr. Shakes] (([Dr. Shakes] patella fires off, hits the ceiling and ricochets into coffee mug))

[Dr. Shakes] on floor, rolling in pain AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

[BILL] yelling over yelling I’M NOT SURE HOW I AM GOING TO USE GAMS? ARE YOU SURE I SHOULD USE IT?

[Dr. Shakes] crawling back to desk, screaming AAAAAAAAAAAAH! TIME FOR STORY GROOMING! AAAAAAAAAAAAH!

[KayCEE] yelling, cupping hands over mouth WATCH GAMS DO PRESENTATIONS.

[GAMS] thinking briefly, does a capoeira armada

((PowerPoint deck is created. The deck has a single slide of two legs kicking the client’s logo.))

[Dr. Shakes] with comb and story, carefully combing the story AAAAAAAAAAAAH! THREEEEEE POOOOOINTS! AAAAAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAAAH! FIIIIIIIIVE POOOOOINTS! AAAAAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAAAH! LET’S USE PLANNING POKER AAAAAAAAAAAAH!

[BILL] yelling I AM SOLD! NO MORE POWERPOINT FOR ME! THANKS [KAYCEE]

[BILL] pets [GAMS]’ metal plate Come with me?

[GAMS] spins with joy and runs to get a wide collection of kicking shoes and a great deal of leggings, chaps, yoga wear. waiting.

[BILL] and [GAMS] waving goodbye to [KayCEE] still screaming over noise. BYE BYE! THANKS FOR NEW TOOL!

((… and kick ourselves out of here.))