Pannys Beach House

metabill · by Bill Berger

i’m in mid thirties, blond, casually handsome and a tendency to tilt my head when talking.

i’m kinda mellow and sitting at a beach house with [TurboPowerPandora10k] and her chill roomate [DonnyDistilloDome420]. [ShakesTheRedCableSweaterWearingKindaPerson] sits down with some hawaiian mocha java coffee and relaxes on the bean bag.

[DonnyDistilloDome420] rolls over. casual. Hey. You guys ever try T-LSD?

[BILL HURTS] shaking head Sorry, guy. I don’t do LS…

[DonnyDistilloDome420] interrupts No. It’s tofu. Natural. Nothing to worry about. Made of soy beans. Nothing bad ever came from beans.

[BILL HURTS] shaking head Well, I’ve have some burrit..

[DonnyDistilloDome420] interrupts Listen. It’s not mexican food. It’s japanese. Healthy even. Tofu. Like I said. Beans. It’ll just get you out of your head a bit. Calming.

[BILL HURTS] shrugging. running hand through lions mane of blond hair. stretched up. I could always be calmer. That’s for certain.

[DonnyDistilloDome420] happy. getting up as well. Great. It’s out back. Hey [TPP-10k]! Can you get the tub ready?

[TurboPowerPandora10k] runs ahead Yep. On it.

[BILL HURTS] looking at [DonnyDistilloDome420] held tilted. hand in hair I’m sorry. You say, tub?

((SOUND OF RUNNING WATER. SPLASHING OF SALTS))

[DonnyDistilloDome420] holding [BILL HURTS] by shoulder and walking him after [TurboPowerPandora10k] Yeah. You’ll want to just be isolated when you do some good tofu. Helps center you. The tub helps.

[ShakesTheRedCableSweaterWearingKindaPerson] looking up from coffee. Hey! Where are you guys going?

[DonnyDistilloDome420] holding [BILL HURTS] by shoulder yells back. He’ll be fine! Enjoy the coffee. I’ll be back in jif.

[BILL HURTS] puts finger in ear and twists pulls back from [DonnyDistilloDome420] grasp Sorry. Is this safe? Tofu? Bathing with strangers? I’m not so sure…

[BILL HURTS] stares intensely and with a tilted head.

[DonnyDistilloDome420] grasps his shoulder. I wouldn’t hurt you. Would i?

[BILL HURTS] sighs. turns. turns back. Of course not. Ok.

((BILL HURTS AND DonnyDistilloDome420 ENTER LOUD ROOM WITH LONG COFFIN LIKE TANK))

[BILL HURTS] eyes widen. hands a bit apart from body IS THIS IT?!

((SOUND OF RUNNING WATER STOPS ABRUPTLY. WATER SPLASHES A BIT))

[TurboPowerPandora10k] standing up Yeah, hun. Here she is. All ready to go. How about you? Wanna change over there? Clean trunks are behind the screen.

[BILL HURTS] stares at [TurboPowerPandora10k] head slightly tilted and walks to screen promptly Ok.

[DonnyDistilloDome420] pulling something out of a refrigerator. a white tub. japanese. silken.

[BILL HURTS] rounding corner with trunks on. looking. head forward, eye pointed towards white tub What’s that?

[DonnyDistilloDome420] scooping a small spoonful. It’s japanese silken tofu. Special. Ready? Open.

[BILL HURTS] opens mouth. receives small blob of tofu and swallows. Ok. What’s next.

[DonnyDistilloDome420] smiling. Just relax in the tub. I’ll get you some headphones and goggles. Step in and lie down. It’s warm. Don’t worry.

[BILL HURTS] enters dark tub with light streaming in from open door

[BILL HURTS] sits into water

[DonnyDistilloDome420] hands headphones and goggles. [BILL HURTS] puts on blackout goggles and as his headphones go on

[DonnyDistilloDome420] Just lie back and relax. I’ll be back in a minute to check on you.

[BILL HURTS] puts the headphones on and lies back.

[DonnyDistilloDome420] closes the hatch and the tub is now completely black

[BILL HURTS] can now only hear his breathing. Nothing else. His heart is beating. Nothing more.

[BILL HURTS] CONVULSES! ((IMAGES FLASH ONE AFTER ANOTHER)) ((BILLS BRAIN ZAPS)) ((GAMS bicycle-kicks.)) ((Zombie BILL HURTS licks the conference-room window)) ((Tiger out of the tower PC.)) ((Fake lady’s head in jaws.))

[BILL HURTS] CONVULSES! ((IMAGES FLASH ONE AFTER ANOTHER)) ((BILLS BRAIN ZAPS)) ((Shakes applauds.)) ((BILL HURTS fighting dragons!))

[BILL HURTS] CONVULSES! ((IMAGES FLASH ONE AFTER ANOTHER)) ((“piercing all round for our amor PFFT-OWW!”.)) ((BILLS GRABS AT CROTCH))

[BILL HURTS] CONVULSES! ((IMAGES FLASH ONE AFTER ANOTHER)) ((Hastur on mushroom: “this paperwork is driving me mad.”)) ((BILL HURTS in pink gown.)) ((Diderot collapses))

[DonnyDistilloDome420] rips open hatch

[BILL HURTS] thrashes in tank! Has proto dino horns on head!

[DonnyDistilloDome420] diving into tank [TPP!!!] come with the de-horner!!!

[TPP] runs around with waiters corkscrew in hand [ShakesTheRedCableSweaterWearingKindaPerson] jogging in with coffee mug.

[DonnyDistilloDome420] drives corkscrew into a proto horn. [BILL HURTS] bellows like a wounded stegasaurus!

… we fade to black..

((THE NEXT MORNING)) [ShakesTheRedCableSweaterWearingKindaPerson] sitting on bean bag. drinking coffee. reading newspaper.

[DonnyDistilloDome420] walking in from back. wiping hands. [ShakesTheRedCableSweaterWearingKindaPerson] looking up. dropping newspaper. holding coffee. Is he going to be ok? [DonnyDistilloDome420] confident Oh yeah. He’s going to be great. Just needs to sleep a bit. I’ll be back soon. Help yourself to coffee. [ShakesTheRedCableSweaterWearingKindaPerson] showing coffee. Thanks! [DonnyDistilloDome420] departs out front door.

[BILL HURTS] hearing noise of door banging. comes into hallway. with hand on back of head scratching. Hey [ShakesTheRedCableSweaterWearingKindaPerson] is that you?

[ShakesTheRedCableSweaterWearingKindaPerson] gets up. LEAVES coffee and newspaper Hey, you up!

[BILL HURTS] resp…

[BILL HURTS] TRANSFORMS INTO SOME MASSIVE WHITE STATIC BLOB LIKE THING… ((VISIONS AGAIN:)) ((Brown Snake eats Toddler Shakes. Yum.)) [BILL HURTS] SLAMS BLOB HAND ON WALL. BECOMES [BILL HURTS]ish.

[ShakesTheRedCableSweaterWearingKindaPerson] runs and touches [BILL HURTS] and explodes into FLAMES!

[BILL HURTS] SLAMS BLOB HAND ON WALL. BECOMES [BILL HURTS]er. ((VISIONS AGAIN:)) ((BILL HURTS transforms into a donkey. Led to the salt mines.)) ((Mr.Shakes volunteers. Bullet-stormed.))

[BILL HURTS] SLAMS BLOB HAND ON WALL. BECOMES [BILL HURTS]-lite [ShakesTheRedCableSweaterWearingKindaPerson] melting in flames. arms withering. ((VISIONS AGAIN:)) ((“OBJECTION! Being an asshole to the witness!”))

[BILL HURTS] SLAMS HAND ON WALL. BECOMES [BILL HURTS]-3 ((VISIONS AGAIN:)) ((Shakes catches BILL HURTS from behind with a zombie-fu grip))

[BILL HURTS] SLAMS HAND ON WALL. BECOMES [BILL HURTS]-2 ((VISIONS AGAIN:)) ((Bill eats waffles with syrup from [Lesley]))

[BILL HURTS] SLAMS HAND ON WALL. IS [BILL HURTS]!

[BILL HURTS] runs and grabs the burning [ShakesTheRedCableSweaterWearingKindaPerson] and she’s healed.

[BILL HURTS] and [ShakesTheRedCableSweaterWearingKindaPerson] hold each other. Pause for a moment.

[ShakesTheRedCableSweaterWearingKindaPerson] Would you like a coffee?