Cancellation Specialist

i am middle aged, pudgy, and recently made single. i am sitting in front of a receptionist who will be helping me check into a hotel. i have thirty days to find a new mate or i will become a different kind of animal. i am excited by the prospects and ready to see what is available.

[RECEPTIONIST] talking plainly What size shoes do you wear, Mr. Bill?

[BILL] pre gorilla A 12 1/2.

[RECEPTIONIST] talking plainly We only have 12 or 13. Which one?

[BILL] pre gorilla A 13. Do you have wide?

[RECEPTIONIST] talking plainly I’m sorry. We do not offer wide at this time. Would you consider moving to Birkenstocks?

[BILL] pre gorilla No. Oxfords are fine.

[RECEPTIONIST] As you know, if you’re unable to find your perfect mate in the next 30 days, you will need to become a different animal altogether.

[BILL] pre gorilla Ok. Gorilla. Wait. Do gorillas meet?

[RECEPTIONIST] You certainly do not need to choose now. Only if you fail to find a new mate in 30 days.

[BILL] pre gorilla Gotcha. Know the score. Know my chances. Let’s talk gorilla. Any status updates due? How tall can I be?

[RECEPTIONIST] harried. I’m not a primate specialist, but I do think they’re at least social? Height? Kinda gorilla height?

[BILL] pre howler monkey Hm. Howler monkey? Do you know if the HOOOOOOOOOOOOOT HOOOT HOOOT! really hurts the cheeks? I mean each time I see them do it, I’d like to join in but man, I can’t even blow the trumpet.

[RECEPTIONIST] harried. Again, I don’t know much about prima…

[BILL] pre something hoo… hoo-koo… koo-koo? KOO-KOO-KOO-KOO! KOO-KAA-KAA-KAA-KAAAAAA! HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAA-HAAAAA-HA-HA-HA! KOOOOOOOK-KOOOOOOK-KOOOOOOK! HA-HA-HA-HA-ha-ha-ha-ha… ha… ha… hoo.

[RECEPTIONIST] harried. You’d like to be a kookaburra.

[BILL] pre gorilla No. Just have allergies. Let’s go back to Gorilla then. I think that’s my first choice. Can I upgrade the silverback to gold or just carbon fiber black?

[RECEPTIONIST] harried. No. No options. Just base male, large gorilla. No idea what basin. No idea about the use of Franklin Planners. You’ll have to just try it out.

[BILL] pre gila monster Gila monsters live alone, right?

[RECEPTIONIST] tired. Yes, but I have no idea if they have zoom for them…

[BILL] pre gila monster — thinking, tapping fingers. Yeah. Remote is always tough…

[BILL] pre gorilla OK. I’m settled. Biggest male gorilla I can be. Where do I sign? Should I get the Franklin Planner now or wait until we get to the basin?

[RECEPTIONIST] resigned. There’s usually a Staples nearby. Even in the rainforest…

[BILL] pre gorilla Great. When do we get STARTED! I am pumped to meet the new team!

(( … and we fade to black))