Moose Jaw
Ch_002_000: Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan
I run out of the darkness and find myself outside of an aged casino. The sign reads Moose Jaw Casino. My audience is watching carefully and I greet them.
“Good day everyone! Welcome to the Littlest Hobo. I seem to be in Moose Jaw! I bet something interesting will happen at any moment now,” I say as I spin in a circle in a mild panic.
-18EB
The wind shifts and a horrible smell wafts over me. It smells like death. I look around for something interesting and I hear two men struggling in the distance. “It sounds like some people could use some help! Let’s go see!” I say to the audience.
+11EB
I run towards the sound and finally find two older but very strong-looking men pulling a heavy load of grain from a nearby elevator. They are yelling, “OMG! OMG! This is sooo heavy! OMG! OMG!” A dog with a prod is yelling at them, ||Hep. Hep. Get in there Larry! Come on Barry!|| The two men can’t seem to understand what the dog is saying but they understand what he wants when he cracks a whip nearby. Larry and Barry pull even harder and one screams out, “AAAAAH! SO HEAVY! PUSH! PUSH! HELP ME, Castor!”
The other man, either Barry or Larry, then says, “I’M PUSHING AS HARD AS I CAN, Pollux!”
+16EB
I run up and grab a line to help out. The weight of the cart is tremendous. The first man yells, “Castor! Who is the stranger?” and the second answers, “I have no idea, Pollux!”
The dog barks, ||Ho! What’s this! The smallest hobo I have ever laid eyes on is helping Larry and Barry?!||
+14EB
I yell to Castor and Pollux, “Please, on the count of three, we all push together and we’ll get this cart moving! One, two and three!”
The three of us manage to get the cart moving and the dog calls out, ||Thank you, little hobo! These old men have one last job to do and then it’s off to the glue factory! They can’t get anything done without a hand and my new tractor doesn’t ask for oatmeal twice a day.||
+12EB
I find the dog’s speech to be shocking and I yell, “Are you INSANE!? You are going to turn these men into GLUE! What needs sticking together so badly that we need to melt people to fix it?”
-6EB
The dog cocks his head at me and notes, ||Wow, this human loves to chatter. I wonder what he’s trying to tell me? I think he thinks he’s a dog and can talk! Hahahah!||
+9EB
The dog doesn’t seem to understand me, but if I didn’t have the subtitles, I would not be able to understand him. I need to help poor Castor and Pollux somehow. Maybe they could show their worth another way. That’s it. If I can prove to the dog that the humans are worth something even without pulling carts, he might not send them away to be turned into Elmer’s.
I walk up to Pollux and ask, “Hello. I am the Littlest Hobo. It is good to meet you, but why are you working so hard for this dog?”
Pollux looks over to me and he says, “I am Pollux and my brother over there is Castor. We pull and the dog has heavy things that need to be moved. So, it is a good arrangement. We pull and he feeds. We need and he delivers and we deliver his and others’ needs in return.”
+11EB
I tell Pollux, “He says he plans on turning you and your brother into glue after you deliver this cart!”
Castor is eavesdropping and says, “WHAT!? I am far too young to be glue!”
+18EB
Pollux says, “Do not listen to him, Castor! No human can talk to dogs! They’re inscrutable geniuses whose complex ways cannot be understood by the mere human mind. Who are we to question the wisdom of any dog? It would be insane to trust a person over a dog.”
+12EB
I plead with the brothers, “Can either of you do anything other than pull? Anything? The dog wants to replace you with a tractor! What can you do that a tractor cannot?”
The dog is a bit upset as the cart has stopped while Castor, Pollux and I argue. He says, ||Ach! Come along little humies! Hep! Hep! Hep!|| to try to get us going.
+12EB
I say, “Keep pulling. The dog’s getting antsy.”
Castor and Pollux look worried and then put their shoulders into their work. The cart starts to move and I keep pace. “Anything entertaining at all?” I ask the two.
Pollux says, “I can dress in drag?”
-5EB
“NO DRAG!” I yell as it’s clear my audience is pretty conservative.
+4EB
Castor says, “Well, I have a ventriloquist routine? I do not have a dummy with me now, but maybe my brother could sit in?”
I look carefully at my audience. Barring any other option, I say, “Maybe? Can you do a bit for me now?”
I am excited when Pollux sits on Castor’s lap.
+1EB
Castor’s mouth barely moves and Pollux lip-syncs to his brother’s voice, “Hey Castor! How many Trojans does it take to change a light bulb?”
Castor speaks normally and says, “Hi Pollux! I have no idea!? How many Trojans DOES it take to change a light bulb?”
Castor then throws his voice and Pollux lip-syncs to “None! They wait for the sack and the fires keep the homes lit! HAHAHAHA!”
-7EB
“Nonononono!” I say to Castor, “I don’t think that’s the right thing. Do you guys do anything else?”
“I can rap,” says Pollux. “My dad, he’s the best rapper of them all. DJ Boltzar!”
+3EB
I say, “Well, maybe…”
Pollux does not wait and the music is banging:
I’m looking down at Sparta, leaving lightning marks.
I’ve got a million kids, yeah, the family’s wide,
But let me tell you ’bout a boy filled with heavenly pride. POLLUX!
I shout, “Keep going!” The dog looks oddly at the three babbling humans but does not interfere as Castor pulls out a mic.
Castor gesticulates the chorus:
That’s my boy POLLUX, every crown he’s gonna take!
Immortal in his veins, but his heart is gold,
The greatest boxing story that has ever been told!
Yeah, that’s my son, lightning in his fists,
Put him on the top of the Olympian lists!
I plead, “Keep it real, suckas! Spit fire Pollux!”
Pollux steps forward with a practiced move:
Thought he was a giant with a whole lot of might.
But Pollux stepped up, didn’t even blink,
Dropped him to the canvas before he could think.
A master of the canvas, defense is too tight,
Busting up kings in the middle of the night.
Castor returns for the chorus:
That’s my boy POLLUX, every crown he’s gonna take!
Immortal in his veins, but his heart is gold,
The greatest boxing story that has ever been told!
Yeah, that’s my son, lightning in his fists,
Put him on the top of the Olympian lists!
I am dancing with the twins now!
Both men hit the outro:
Two brothers in the stars, never gonna die.
From the boxing ring to the cosmic flame,
Pollux and Castor, remember the name! (Thunder crack, mic drop)
+52EB
The two men stop and pant. Their hands are up in the air and the audience eyeballs dance in approval. The dog picks up a bucket of water and tosses the contents over the three, ||Stop messing around and get back to work. The glue factory closes soon!||
+6EB
Before I can try to talk some sense into the dog, I hear two puppies yipping in distress.
||Help us! Help us! We are drowning in the river!|| bark the dogs in the distance.
+12EB
||Zut alors! We must help the children! Oh no! The tractor cannot go into the water and we need to drag the puppies back on shore? What can be done?!!|| says Castor and Pollux’s dog.
+8EB
I say, “YOU HAVE TWO STRONG MEN RIGHT HERE AND YOU WANT TO USE THE TRACTOR?! Castor! Pollux! Go save the puppies!”
+11EB
The two strong men pull off their yokes and run. The dog barks after, ||Damn it! Barry! Larry! Get back here now!||
+10EB
Castor dives into the water and is quickly followed by his demigod brother. The two quickly find and save the young dogs.
+11EB
Dripping wet, the two men lie down on the side of the raging water and rest. The puppies shiver in the dog’s arms and he notes, ||Man, Barry and Larry are still pretty useful. I guess the oatmeal bill is not that bad, and to be honest, that new human would make a great Carry!||
+10EB
I look at the dog with some suspicion as it slowly walks towards me, ||Come here, boy. Come on. I have some nice liver at home for you!||
+5EB
As he comes closer his paws start to reach out to me, and I understand his purpose. I dodge the incoming paws and make a run for it. Mastereye blazes into my brain, “Excellent work. Keep it up and keep up the pace!”
+7EB
I feel the path ahead and ready myself for the all-night run to the next town. I cannot be late…