Investigation

TARS and Bob walked in the garden as Salote was watching Lefty and Righty slowly turning the roast GennedPig. Bob remarked, “Man, the knitter did a great job making that pig look like the real thing. Smells great too.”

Salote said, “Well, it better. I had to put three full gallons of protein into the hopper. We’re out of calcium as well. So, not sure how breakfast will taste.”

Bob offered, “Eh. We’ll eat out then. There’s this place nearby where the glass have been so well trained. The food is great but the singing is even better.”

TARS looked at the two of them and asked, “I forgot to bring a stomach. Can I borrow a balloon or any plastic with a twist-tie will work?”

Salote asked SaloteG to tell TARS via ether where they kept the spare android parts in the garage. She told sheit, “TARS? You can find all sorts of parts down there. Bob has androids over often and it’s just polite to have things for repeated guests, you know? I’m sure there’s like twenty stomachs in there. Take as many as you need.”

TARS smiled and left to the garage. Bob walked up to his wife and hugged her from behind. She had made some sides by hand: ’ota ika, roasted taro, and her favorite, faikakai topai that her mother taught her some 120 years ago when she was a child. She was aging well for a middle aged woman, but she took good care of herself. Yet, taking the daily wellness regimen was simple enough for everyone. So, a ASI to just let yourself go, at least, in her opinion. She’d often honk folks a bit over getting a bit lined or sloppy, but she also knew how to keep her distance from folks who simply wanted a different way. That’s not an ASI if that’s you’re thing as, well, you should just do you, she thought.

Bob asked her through a maze of curls, “I think I have a reasonable plan for the investigation. Do you mind if we go through it together during dinner? I’m super hungry and this might take some time. I don’t want to rush eating, but I also wouldn’t want to spoil all this work with work.”

Salote ethered a warm hug back as she worked while hugged, “It’s fine. I love talking about your love of the past. Let’s find a bad idea over good food and friendly new friends!” She spotted TARS as sheit’s closing sheit’s thorax with a newly installed stomach.

TARS waived as he walked and said, “This is a super organ. Very snug fit; I shouldn’t worry about any leaks at all. Thank you!”

Salote waived it away and said, “Eh. Why not? It’s just something I can pick up at any market. You should try the store band… what is it?”

SaloteG indexed and returned, “Big Kahuna Bot Party Parts”

Salote winced and said, “Man, I’m not sure someone shouldn’t have honked on that name. Kinda hard to remember and the old Pulp Fiction reference is played out. Anyhoo, you should give them a try. Really great android line. Top notch rubber and gaskets. Please sit and introduce yourself to Lefty and Righty at the table… Oh, it looks like, Lefty2 and Righty2 actually are at the table and it’s the originals turning the pig.”

TARS eyes widened at the information and said, “Yes, maam. I’ll…”

Salote honked TARS with a smile in her eyes, “Salote. Not maam. OK?”

TARS smiled back and said, “Thank you, Salote. Let me go see if the arms need legs.”

Salote ethered back to her husband, “He seems nice. I hope you boys have fun getting this done. It can’t be all work even if it’s serious. Make sure that you don’t overwork and let the glass do what it does best.”

Bob simply hugged her tigher until he felt he might become lost in hair. She said, “Ok. I have enough arms around here. I need to get this done. Go talk to your guest.”

Bob found his way to the light somehow and left his wife’s hair. He thanked his partner and walked over to TARS and Lefty2 and Righty2.

TARS said, “You guys need anything closer or…”

Lefty2 answered, “Nah, dawg. We are armed arms armed with sharp armaments. So, stay back until the pig is fully carved. Got me? Just kidding! But do please be careful. I’m pretty sure this knife is sharp enough to go through your kevlar.”

Righty2 titters and the two of them run what appears to be a sharp knife into greater sharpness with Lefty2, as main gauche, parries her riposte via his tonfu looking sharpening steel. Sparks fly as the pig rolls over to the ongoing duel.

Righty2 moves forward as Lefty2 backs, and then Righty2 lunges with right-of-way. Lefty2 parries with a sixte and ripostes, but Righty2 is back out of its leg-less lunge quickly to regain and press ahead with a basic blade extension on point.

Lefty2 slaps Righty2’s blade to gain tempo and switches his steel to a two pronged fork. The pig was now at the table and the show moves to the carving.

Righty2 salutes Lefty2 who immediately returns the gesture. Both then salute the guests and hosts. Then, they set to the red crisp GennedPig that was placed before them.

Stab and slash and poke and flay and bone and twist and meat is served. TARS applauds in appreciation on the arms dexterity and both blush while they degreased themselves. Both ether to all, “Thank you. Please do enjoy. We certainly did. If you need anything, please just ask.” They both fold neatly and sleep.

TARS waited as Salote sat and then both Bob and TARS sat across each other. She asked everyone to enjoy the food, and then said, as she was preparing her plate, “So, I hear that Bob has a plan to find the runaway soda demon, no?”

Bob laughed, “I don’t think New Coke is a demon at all, Salote. Just a bit poisionous. It was all the dumness around it that was the problem. I mean, people liked sweeter coke. The loved the sweeter Diet Coke. Pepsi beat them head to head in blind challenge over and over again. People wanted more sugar. It’s addictive. You really gotta be careful with it and not overdo it.”

Salote kinda reached towards her husband’s nose, but then pulled back. “Eh. Sugary drink. Nothing good. You need soda. Ok. Do the diet a bit. Maybe take a anti-death with it? It’s ok. Like carbonara. Safe eating is save living. At least, that’s what I say.”

TARS watched and ate his portion with interest. He asked, “this is pork. Yes?”

Lefty2 arose and looked at TARS while ethering to all, “Why yes, this is flesh of a GennedPig roasted carefully over fire for some number of hours that might embarass our good hostess as to her love of slow cooking. All I can say is you are eating some very well knitted ‘pork’. A fine label to associate with, perhaps, the Form of Pork itself. Thank you for asking.”

Lefty2 folded and slept.

Bob continued after Lefty2 has answered TARS question, “So, anyway, people or at least some people said the change was bad and they missed the old thing. So, then Coke became Coke Classic and then, nobody would buy Coke and everyone insisted they must either have a Coke Classic or, instead, the intensely sweeter, Diet Coke. A beverage many prefered in taste. In fact, that was actually said directly to the consumer as their known preference. This was when marketing said we should drink ‘Diet Coke. Just for the taste of it!’ And, for many, this was true. The sweeter coke was the thing that rocked their world and somehow, also true, it doesn’t taste that way somehow to many as very sweet at all. Almost every Diet Coke drinker could immediately tell when their Diet Coke, a sweet drink, was replaced by a different sweet drink. This irony sat nowhere and then Coke flipped the identity of Coke like a shell game run by con men. God only knows where the orignal formula is under Zeros and Infinites and Flavors until mighty Zeus himself must come down from Mt. Marketing itself and say ’Good me. Hand me a thunderbolt and I’ll parking lot all of these flavors and we’ll all just sell some cola.”

Salote and TARS both stared and Bob’s meat level virutosity of this SI. Salote knew again why she loved Bob and his strange passion for just hoping for better for everyone.

TARS noted, “Yes, the analysis is quite clear. There is madness here. The relative level of idiota measuring is a KI (SI) right now. We can determine the level later for the sake of science. We need to find this syne… I’m sorry… this interesting pe…”

Salote honked TARS and said, “Who told you to edit yourself in my household young bot!?”

Bob laughed at his practical joke while TARS looked a bit flustered. BobG ethered to TARS with “Salote appreciates directness. Say what you mean with whatever emphasis you’d prefer. She knows many interesting words as well and if you’d like a spirited exchange, she enjoyes a good obscene naming contest after brandy and cigars (two anti-death pills recommended for the meat bound)”

TARS was uncertain if decling or accepting was least or more rude and slighly shook with computation for a moment and said, “No, I’d just rather eat more synergying pork if that is ok?”

Salote said that was also fine and asked Bob to continue with the investigation plan talk while she and the android ate. It was just interesting to hear what interested him. The details could get rough but he could get going sometimes and you really never knew what was up there until, you know, the endless sentence he might start ends. In fact, he was often needing to say and “period. Bob now gets off his soap box.” to finally, for the love of all that isn’t shameful to waste in print, and with oxygen left in the room, to end his thought or at least summarize what was just said, cleanly and at the very least, at any possible appropriate moment before it actual does.

Bob had not relented his position yet on the soap box, “So, here’s the basic idea. New Coke, like many sugary things, will look for addicts. We’ll travel down to the folks who have decided that addiction is their thing and we’ll see if there’s anything new going on that we haven’t seen there in a bit.”

Salote clapped and stomped her foot, “Hoot! For thinking! Sounds solid. What say you, our glassbound, pork snarfing, MechaWatson!” and pointed at TARS.

TARS dropped his fork and offered, “Sounds like the best place to start for New Coke and us. So, let’s get ready to a big day tomorrow, hm?”

TARS stood up and asked where the recycler was. SaloteG ethered over the location and TARS tossed his stomach into the cycler. His meal would be replaced back into the unknitter as he only ate socially and not nutritionally at all.

BobG ethered the co-ordinates of tomorrow’s work inside the CosWalSmart&FinalDestination, the home of addiction.