Anomaly

Bob walked at a brisk pace into the Very Dumb Ideas Control (VDIC) regional office where his glass team awaited him. The space was modest but very secure given the dangerous materials the VDIC managed for the world.

Bob’s tenure was his own decision, but he had been doing this job for a bit now and still wasn’t bored. Bob loved to analyze what he saw in the past as, well, very smart people still create very dumb ideas all the time. The reasons varied as much as the ideas themselves. Most SIs were, at face value, seemingly good or maybe good at the time. Now, however, with no resource, energy, or effort limitations, people could live very full lives without much effort on their own parts.

The reception android noted Bob’s presence as he entered. It unlocked the security fence as Bob was known on sight. Bob pushed the fence inwards while the buzzer was sounding. It closed immediately and relocked with a slam behind him. There was no scan or security discussion as the glass in Bob’s body would notify anyone if he was armed. Bob had never wanted nor held a weapon in his life, unless a dinner knife counted, and he sometimes was a bit peckish and cranky when hungry. So, only when steak or another tough-to-cut meal was upcoming and Bob was very hungry, did Bob ever pose any risk of violence. An amuse bouche could easily lower the risk.

His team was located deep in the archive as there were some concerns about a possible leakage outside the VDIC of an old, but reasonably bad idiotum. Per best practice, Bob asked BobG, the glass inside his head, to summon an android blank. He waited for a moment as a blank humanoid with no facial features appeared at his side.

Bob addressed the blank, “Hello, TempName1. Password on my eyes only. Please restart.” The blank looked at Bob. Said, “Hello, Bob. I am TempName1 and will respond to your eyes only after restart in 3, 2, and 1.” The blank went limp but stayed upright. A long progress bar moved slowly across its forehead, stopped at 100% for an uncomfortably long time, and then reawakened with a strange ancient chord.

The android looked at Bob and asked for a password from Bob’s eyes. BobG displayed the temporary code and the android came fully to life. “Hello, Bob/BobG. I am TempName1. I am ready for any SI or higher. Are we using metric or standard, slightly dumb units instead?”

Bob configured TempName1, “Metric please. Now that you’re configured, please follow me to the rest of the team.”

TempName1 nodded and both Bob and his new assistant started to walk. Notably, the VDIC had no staircases; therefore, people felt more safe around humanoid robots like TempName1. He was also fully padded and had airbags as needed for any possible malfunction. He was also, at Bob’s request, fully armed internally. TempName1, otherwise, would easily be mistaken for what used to be called a mannequin, but most retail was gone given home knitting.

He walked through one of the most popular public exhibits, the Office Suite. He stepped onto the moving walkway, and he and TempName1 rode as they moved past the cages. Each cage had an instantiated, non-blank android that had been loaded with one bad idiotum at the megaidiotum - which is a Very Bad Idea; (vbi) in the slightly stupid non metric units in America or in the Italian system, where the study of idiotic behavior was born, Una pessima idea (upi) - level or higher. Metric smoothed over these regional differences for the benefit of scientists worldwide without constant linguistic based unit mappings.

The walkway slowed at the first exhibit, and a hidden speaker played, “Welcome to the Office Suite. Please see our first exhibit and learn how we erred.”

The cage showed an android inside sitting at something labeled “desk” but seemed more like a torture device somehow. His head was constantly focused on a pane of glass. He then looked up and said, “My outlook is eternally in synchronization with my heart beat. Listen to each inbound message.”

Bob could hear his heart as something called “Inbox (13,520,485 unread)” kept monotonically increasing. The caged android then grabbed every paper he had, opened his filing cabinet and started shoving paper randomly into folders, “Yes, perfect. More folders. Yes. Folders! Yes. More. Yes! Put things into folders! Yes.” He then ran around in a circle and asked “where is my reading pane! has anyone seen it?”.

The walkway continued as TempName1 asked, “Will I be like that soon?”

Bob replied, “Let’s hope not, TempName1, and don’t worry, nobody is forced to be Outlook for more than one shift. Ok?”

TempName1 smiled and noted, “That’s a relief. What’s coming next?”

Bob wearily replied, “The entire suite, I’m afraid. I’ve seen this a bunch, but it’s a good reminder and it’ll help you get situated later when you see how well this works in other circumstances.”

The walkway came to a stop as this was a very popular cage. The hidden speaker offered, “The greatest of all warriors in every office, but what’s his secret?”

The “desk” was still here in this cage and another glass pane was there. The android here had a long weapon of some kind. He brandished it at the two visitors but the bars kept everyone safe. The android looked at them with a sneer, “My blade cuts two ways. The clean worksheets side!” and he offered under his breath, “The serrated VBA side for the kill shot!”

He sliced the blade through the air in a menacing twirl and the VBA side accidentally took his right leg off. “Ooof. Off by 1. Should have used option base zero!” he said from the floor.

TempName1 asked Bob in shock, “Is he going to be ok in there?”

Bob replied, “No, that’s usually quite bad when the VBA digs in like that. I’ll send someone over for repairs. BobG?”

BobG nodded inside Bob’s head and ethered a support ticket in ConfluaJiraLucdTixsFox on the “Android Repair (AR)” board.

The next cage was very brightly lit. The narration offered, “See how untruth, notevenclosetotruth, sometruth, semitruth and partialtruth were communicated in the dark ages.”

An android was standing next to a screen with gigantic eyes and a remote control. He started his routine for the two visitors, “Welcome to knowledge unleashed!”. He hit a button on his remote. The screen displayed a single large dot. “This is bulletpoint. This is where truth is anchored to reality. We know the truth. Why? Through the singular grace of our true master, the one deity that has seen us through the night, bulletpoint. Please bow your heads in prayer, now.”

TempName1 and Bob bowed their heads in response. BobG put up a “respect” icon in Bob’s brain and they waited for the benediction. TempName1 whispered, “why are our heads bowed?”

BobG offered back, “So he doesn’t throw his feces at us.”

The caged presenter offered, “Please oh mighty BulletPoint! Hear our plea!” as he lifted his hands towards the dot. He clicked the remote.

Bulletpoint spoke from the screen, “I AM HERE. WHO DARES SUMMOTHETH THE TIRED TYPOGRAPHICAL ELEMENT. I REST. WHAT DOES THOU CALLEST ME FOR?”

The caged presenter offered a slain goat to the altar and then asked, “May we have your kind grace against these truths on this slide oh mighty one?”

Bulletpoint sighed from typographical Valhalla, “Fine. I’ve been next to worse.”

The walkway started up immediately after Bulletpoint was done with his part and both Bob and TempName1 raised their heads. Bob warned his newly minted friend, “This one can be a bit scary. Just stay calm and keep your hands away from the bars, ok?”

The next cage was dark. Both man and glass waited in the darkness. The narration offered, “This next exhibit is the most feared of all of the suite. No greater risk is posed when this idea is unleashed upon the world. Parental guidance is, like every freaking second of a child’s life and not just this moment here, suggested.”

Suddenly, the frothing beast itself sprang from the murk, and lunged at the bars. Scrabbling arms and fingers grasped at the two men as the manic face yelled, “Give me access to it all! Mine! Mine! Mine! Heh. Heh. Connect me! Heh. Heh. Tabledydoo and viewies for all yer datums, hm? Reportable deplorables and fancy forms to temps you no?”

Bob said to the frightened TempName1, “don’t worry, those bars can hold him. They’re made of an old SQL Server 2016 license. That tends to do the trick. Ugly but effective.”

TempName1 was not completely convinced but was grateful when the walkway started up.

The walkway moved into the temporary exhibits and the narration was, “See how man collaborated in pre-ether technology. Watch as they connect as people.”

The last cage showed an empty cell with an android stuck in the corner. His face buried into the padded cell he lived in. It shouted “Can you hear me? I think my headset isn’t registering. Can you go off mute? Can we parking lot that for now? I synergying hate this place!”

TempName1 said, “Oh my, is it OK for children to hear such language?”

Bob reached up, grabbed TempName1’s nose, and gave the typical squeeze, and said, “Honk!” as was customary when someone said something a bit stupid.

TempName1 said, “Thanks. What did I say?”

Bob said, “Nothing too dumb, but we let people decide for themselves what’s right for their kids, TempName1. Who are we to judge?”

TempName1 said, “Oh. That makes sense. I was just wrong. Thanks for sharing the correction.”

Bob said, “Naturally. My mother raised us right at home.”

The tour ended and TempName1 asked after Publisher and Bob naturally replied, “This exhibit is for megaidiotum and higher. We sometimes exhibit the milder ones for special exhibits so that people have a reason to come back. We’re doing a good job keeping this a historical site, but dumb ideas are somewhat eternal and, well, there’s the working side of the VDIC that we’re heading into now. You’ll meet the team then. The key, of course, is once a bad idea is understood? That’s the key: you learn from it. So, this is really a celebration of things learned more than failures if you ask me.”

The two humanoids entered the working lab where many androids were working. They were all Fred, but in as many bodies as Fred needed. All Fred said in unison, “Hello Bob” and then one stopped working and walked over to both of them. The rest continued their busy work researching and reviewing current events for any possible regression into a SI or higher by anyone. Fred usually handled all issues autonomously but if something new or unexpected happened, meat and glass worked together to get the right solution. Glass without meat or meat without glass was always a mistake in a novel situation.

The Fred that was assigned talking to TempName1 and Bob said, “I’m so glad you are here, Bob. It’s not good. One of the older highly bad idiotums has escaped.”

Bob was worried but calm, “Ok. Which one got out?”

Fred, the present, said, “It’s called New Coke. There was a carcinogenic beverage that was reformulated. The formulation was to make it so sweet with sugar so as to make the existing massive sugar load feel bland in comparison. Strangely, the populace preferred the older beverage even when shown, by random blind testing, that most people preferred the New Coke flavor. Massive amounts of human capital were expended to both market this and then remarket this without any real change to anything.”

Bob asked for clarification, “By ‘market’, you mean act deceptively until someone tried it and then became addicted?”

Fred nodded, “Yes, it’s the same old story from marketing, the practice of deception.”

Bob frowned and sighed. After a moment, he said, “I’m going back home to think for the next few hours about what to do next. We shouldn’t make any snap decisions and run off until we have a solid plan.”

Fred was about to kick Bob lightly on the backside and then stopped, “Phew. I thought you were going to just run out and start investigating.”

Bob laughed, “No, no SSIs from me today. Thanks for keeping me honest, Fred.”

Bob continued, “I’ll need someone to help me with the detective work. Load in Minitars into my blank friend. Let’s get him un-Temped.”

Fred and BobG co-ordinated the download of the Minitars, a negative megaidiotum and very helpful, into TempName1. Minitars was the base image used to assist humans in field investigations. It could evaluate ideas analytically, offer recommendations, and, if needed, defend with serious anger and highly dangerous weapons that no one in the VDIC would discuss openly. It was too shameful to admit that it might be needed and there was no reason to flaunt the need to possibly harm anyone. It’s an ASI to actually have a police force that appears to be threatening as that shouldn’t be a primary function of anyone other than the old concept of “soldier”, a long gone job title involving resource contention based violent confrontations between tribes of humans.

TempName1 accepted the new data and said, “Restarting now with reload of new Minitars personality” and he slumped forward. After a brief moment, Minitars woke up in TempName1’s body and said, “Hello everybody. I’m TARS. I prefer the nickname as the Mini is slightly insulting. My pronouns are it/he/she as needed as I have no gender including null.”

“Hi, TARS. It’s nice to meet you. I am Bob and my internal glass goes by the typical BobG. This is one of Fred here. Theyit are my research team,” said Bob as he introduced TARS to everyone.

TARS waved to everyone as handshakes, given the amount of Fred, would take too long and said, “Hello everyone. Nice to be part of the team. Why the synergy am I awake again? Something like totally synergied out there?”

Bob laughed as TARS was well known to have a potty mouth and said, “Come on, sailor. Let’s head home but clean up your language for my wife, OK? She doesn’t like dirty words.”

Bob and TARS headed back out and TARS could be heard calling out as they entered the Office Suite, “Whoa that’s a bad case of Access: 6.8 + 0i megaidiotum normally. This one looks a bit tweaked.”

Bob noted as they left the building, “Yep, we jack him up a bit to keep the kids good and scared. They need to feel the danger for this place to do its job well.”

Bob and TARS entered the subway to head back to Salote and Bob’s home.