A sanity test succeeds

Cy flipped through his avatar collection and threw on the first thing that came up: Schwarzenegger as The Last Action Hero. He liked the anonymity this skin provided and staged the red shirt and brown bomber jacket onto his now swollen body. He connected his tub to the hive and noted no new tubmail. Cy was free to meet his friends for dinner tonight.

Cy flew via fast travel to Neverland where Lin, Juni, Ras and Pip were having fondue at the Mermaid Cafe at the northern coast of the Island. It had a nice view overlooking the lagoon where Peter and Hook fought on the pirate ship parked there. Cy dropped down into an empty chair in front of the fondue set, and greeted everyone. A mermaid server swam up with a bright smile and a name tag, “Merri”.

Merri immediately asked the group, “Hi everyone. Welcome to the Mermaid Cafe. Is it your first time here?” The group dully nodded at her. She said, “Well, that’s just super. So, let me go over how it works.” Merri pulled a stick lighter from her scaled waist and lit several burners found on the table.

Merri continued her script, “So, fondue-ers. It’s super simple. Keep your fins off the table as it gets super hot!” She slapped a pot of oil and the burner and avoided spilling with a saucy grin. She winked at Cy and then as she left, “I’ll be back with the flesh!”

Ras sat sweating as Bujold in the tropic breeze from the lagoon. She watched as Peter had managed to get Hook into the water and the clock shaped crocodile, who had no musical training whatsoever, chased the disabled man in the placid water.

Pip gleamed as False Maria, the avatar from Metropolis, the seenema masterpiece. He only wore Maria for special occasions; today was Juni’s birthday and he wanted to look good. The avatar was silent however. Pip didn’t mind that at all.

A merman exhaustedly swam up, his name tag reading Gus the Busser; however, he had scratched out Busser in favor of BusBOY, where the male part had been underlined three times. Gus barely got out, “Drinks?”

The team all asked for an ArniePalmTree, a mix of lemonade and iced seaweed tea. Gus looked despondent and swam slowly away.

Juni looked simply glowing as Grace and had a perfectly matching suit with lavender trim. She barely looked at the gifts in front of her and was just smiling at the group.

Cy was beaming and ready to talk about the plans ahead, “So, the trip to the Mall was great, no? So much good stuff, right?!”

Juni answered, “If you mean good in some ironic sens…”

Merri interrupted with a large plate of flesh. She plopped it on the table and started to point to each section, “So, you got your marinated porg, some Natovenator polydontus wings over here, croc arms of course, and various piranha, barracuda. You didn’t order whale and, well, we tend to save that for our Asian guests!”

Merri’s customers looked over the variety of muscles arrayed on her offering as she told them, “So, just stab a piece like this!” She skewered a fat slice of porg, “and you just dump it into the oil!”

Merri looked satisfied and as she swam away, “Leave it there for a bit. Nothing worse than a bite of raw porg!”

Juni continued after the service interruption, “If you mean good in some ironic sense, yes, it was good. Like bad means good in some context.”

Cy pushed a croc arm into the boil as he looked up at Juni, “You’re wrong. The vee8esch haul was pure gold, I bet. Lin, did you have a chance to review it all?”

Lin qua sexy Mark Twain looked over her bushy moustache and said, “I think surprise is about as much as we can expect here. The stuff is wild. I’m not sure how we’d use it all, Cy.”

Cy inhaled and ran out the fateful ask, “I have an idea. We use the material to create a new master. We will be that new master and we will then control our own lives.”

Gus, who was bringing up the drinks, said “oh my. That’s a new one”. The table waited in anxious silence as he slowly handed out the green and brown liquid. Everyone, including Gus, watched Cy as Gus finished up. He left slowly.

As Gus left earshot, Pip’s silent False Maria shouted, “WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY!?” The rest just stared in silence with wide eyes.

Lin broke the ice after a bit, “They’ll kill you, Cy. First sign that you’re fake? Someone will die.”

Cy was ready and his practiced speech came next, “Yes. So, we can’t be off. I know the risk, but the risk we face now is daily. Kane or Genghis or whatever new master appears will always be ready to throw us away at a moment’s notice. We risk being un-tubbed constantly and either I’m going to be in a tub or I’m not, but it’s going to be my call. I need you all. We need to work together. This is our only shot really. Waiting to be let go and never knowing if the next day is the last? Well, I’m done with that and it, the waiting and wondering, will kill us just the same. It’ll just happen to us one at a time and I’d rather go out all together.”

His friends were looking at their hands and not speaking. Lin broke the silence again with a small, “ok. What’s your idea, Cy?” The rest of the group watched Cy to see what else he had to say.

Merri exploded out of the water suddenly, “Hey! Watch that porg! I think it should come out now.” She pulled the steaming alien fowl from the boiling oil and left it on a plate in front of Juni before disappearing in the water.

Cy started to describe his plan after the service interruption, “Like I said, we create a brand new master. I’ll run the avatar, but you’ll all need to help me.”

Gus came by with a pitcher, “Anyone need a refill? Planning your demise is thirsty work?”, but the team waved him off. Gus slid gratefully into the lagoon.

Ras was confused and asked through a mouthful of porg, “How does this help us? Pretending to be a master doesn’t make master DisneyDollaradoodles to show up in our accounts.”

Cy countered quickly, “Marrying a master makes plenty of DisneyDollaradoodles. I’ll woo and land Elira.”

Merri appeared and asked “How are all my fondue-er do-ering! Hahah! Oh it looks like you guys are all pros now!” She winked, flipped her fishy tail and exited quickly.

Pip took a sip of water so he could spit it out. “MARRY ELIRA! Dude, you know Kane is angling for her hard. You think you can beat Kane for her?”

Juni smiled and happily said, “Oh, a wedding?! I know just the dress. Pearls and lace. Silver brocade over bright white linen. You’ll look so handsome as maybe Cary Grant or Rex Harrison, Cy?”

Lin broke into the conversation, “Don’t get your hopes up, Juni. Cy’s plan needs work. We might have some odd old content to spew. I’ve watched a bit of this. Like I said earlier, I can make personality constructs of this, but fake people will be caught out by a master’s team in short order, Cy.”

Gus floated by and added “Fake people and masters are an interesting combination” as he filled empty glasses. He left without further comment.

Cy had already considered this and answered quickly after Gus’ departure, “That’s our key advantage. We still have access to Kane’s world. We will also have access to our avatar’s world. By knowing both sides, we’ll be able to guide Kane into a trap. A trap that will serve two purposes: one, win Elira and two, destroy Kane with our wit alone.”

Lin sneered as she threw back a wild mane of white hair, “That’s diabolical, Cy. I love it. We can tee him up and smack him all the way to the mall this way!”

Pip was still not satisfied, “AI can help us make decisions, yes. It can help us work without support staff. It cannot make processing power where it simply doesn’t exist, Cy. If someone puts a master’s, I don’t know, fancy rotting apple with a worm in it in front of your face, Cy, you’ll freeze for a full minute trying to get through the first glimpse of it.”

Gus swam by and started picking up used plates. He noted, “Hardware limits are the worst,” as he swam off.

This was the question Cy had been waiting for, “We will use artificial intelligence to help us.”

Lin exploded “I just told you that fake people are fake, Cy. They stand out if you’re watching closely. Using AI in a master’s domain will get you shunned faster than farting during a baptism.”

Cy coolly replied, “My avatar will be blind. I’ll say we have a fancy backstory. We’ll be a faux European count. He’ll be blind from birth due to natal venereal disease transmission. The masters love ugly stuff like that.”

Merri appeared suddenly and asked with wild eyes, “Who is ready for dessert?” She produced a cart with various items and started to describe the choices, “This is a glazed salmon mille-feuille. Here’s an oyster croquembouche, and everyone’s favorite molten lava cake from the nearby volcanic activity!”

Cy dismissed Merri, “No thanks. The porg was very filling. We’re stuffed.”

Merri immediately produced an invoice and said, “This is just here for you. I’m doing this for you. You are precious to me and you can sit here forever as far as I’m concerned. I only put this here for your benefit and your benefit only. I have no ulterior motive. There’s a line for tips at the bottom. Thanks, and I hope you come back soon!”

Gus wiped down the table and muttered, “I doubt these folks are coming back from anything.”

Lin continued after the servers left, “It could work. Some master was said to be doing Bill Gates with gonorrhea a few cycles back. It was a simple bit; he’d jump over an office chair and wince as if it hurt his swollen testes. It was kinda funny for a bit, but didn’t have legs. He dropped it. It’s been forever since anyone pretended to be blind, however. Most masters want you to know how much processing they can handle; therefore, it’s not a popular choice.”

Cy, now emboldened, talked to Pip directly, “We shift processing dynamically as we need it for the Count’s sensations. When we cannot process it all, some senses will be metadata only. You guys can describe what the other senses are producing for me in an AI summarization. I’ll just have to act my way through those bits as needed.”

Pip acquiesced slowly, “OK, Cy. I can tell this is happening regardless of my concerns.”

He paused and added, “I’m in … but scared. Send me tubmail on this. I need some sleep; this is too hard right now.” Pip faded from sight in a flash.

Juni looked at Cy and smiled, “I think a black cummerbund with a herringbone pattern would be just delightful for a first wedding, Cy. What is your Count’s name so I get it right on the wedding invitations?”

Lin answered for Cy, “Count Dolomites of Italy”. Cy looked confused and asked, “What is a Dolomites, Lin?”

Lin stood up, twirled her bushy moustache as she faded out, and said “I’ll send you a tubmail, Count.”

Juni said, “Oh. A royal wedding. So so so beautiful.” She left in a wave of purple silk.

Ras sat and opened the fortune cookie next to the invoice. The fortune read, “Your fate is your own.” She looked at Cy and thanked him. She faded from view slowly as she sobbed.

Cy took a deep breath and exhaled. The hard part was over.