Dawn of a new shopping experience

Stan carefully drove the blackly covered group of tub users to the mall as he sang:

Let’s buy some stuff that nobody knows! We’ll put it on somebody’s head! It spends like high credit, high price, candy in my grill! It spends like painted, retouched, undented, bought at discount!

Stan slowed and said “AAAAAND HERE WE ARE! THE MAAAALLL! TA-DA! WE MADE IT TO THE RETAIL PARADISE! GET YOUR FOREHEADS READY! IS EVERYBODY’S CREDIT STILL GOOD? WELL, THERE’S NO SMALL ARMS LOCKERS ALLOWED UNFORTUNATELY; SO, IF YOUR CREDIT ISN’T GOOD, YOU’LL HAVE TO USE YOUR OWN WEAPONRY TO GET WHAT YOU NEED!”

Stan stopped and offered “IT’S TIME TO SHOP UNTIL YOU DROP!” A small cloud of dust settled and many eyes looked towards the shiny van.

Stan somewhat stood out in the shantytown that was built around the mall in the parking lot. There were masses of the always untubbed living here. Strange rituals of men tossing bean bags through a wooden plank set some twenty paces away caught Cy’s eye as they passed. A pendulously huge untubbed man smacked the upraised hand of what appeared to be a tiny ancient woman wearing a day-glo green set of coveralls. The untubbed men started to eye Stan with hungry, greedy eyes.

Stan alerted Cy to the impending issue, “OH NO! LOOKS LIKE WE’VE GOT A BAD CASE OF HOBO! CY! SAY THE WORD AND I’LL DEPLOY THE HOBOSHIELD! IT COMES STANDARD ON A STAN THE VAN!”

Cy, at the driver seat had done little as Stan did all of the driving automatically, said confused, “Hoboshield? What is…”

Stan interrupted, “HOBOSHIELD ON! GO AWAY HOBOS!” Stan’s exterior glowed with blue fire and multiple snakey strands of electricity hit twenty nearby people in the shantytown. The crowd screamed and everyone took a nearby hiding spot immediately. “Thanks, Cy! That did the trick!”

Cy watched the crowd scatter and then communicated via his palm encoder to the rest, “Looks like it’s safe to leave Stan here. Let’s make our way inside the mall now.”

The team exited the van without much trouble. One person fell but seemed to be a different person than the first time; luckily the burqa kept him/her covered. Pip qua Robot from Lost In Space offered in the palm channel, “DANGER! CY ROBINSON! DANGER!”

Cy noted back, “Yes, Pip is right everyone. Be on guard, I’m sure our devices could fetch a reasonable amount of DisneyDollaradoodles. Keep a watchful eye and let everyone know if we gather too much attention.”

Pip offered, “I’ll turn on the repellant now”. A buzzing drone appeared over the team’s heads with a megaphone attached. “GO AWAY HOBOS!” the drone screamed. “¡LÁRGUENSE, VAGOS!”, it continued in spanish. “ACCHI IKE, HŌMURESU!”, it worked through its various languages one at a time over their heads.

Stan the Van went into Sentry Mode eagerly and without much warning. A large turret appeared on the top of the van. The turret moved quickly to the left and fired a burst. “HOBOS AREN’T FASTER THAN MY RUBBER BULLETS!”, Stan gleefully added to the noise of autocannon fire and spent casings hitting the pavement.

Their five chairs rolled smoothly out from Stan’s rear chamber and each sat in any as they were all identical. Cy led and the other nameless ones followed along. He warned the group as they rolled towards the entrance of the mall.

“FOUTEZ LE CAMP, CLOCHARDS!”, the repellant yelled overhead as Cy communicated, “I expect that the entrance will be guarded. Remember the plan, on the count of three, we all go at the same time. OK?” Cy felt the assents from Lin, Juni, Ras and Pip.

As expected, as they rolled past the last shed in the shantytown, a group of well fed men were lounging in front of the mall entry. “SPARITE, BARBONI!”, yelled the repellant, as all five chairs made a straight line in front of the entry.

“Hey ho! Look at this! It’s like the Apple Store has come to life and we’re ready to smash and grab!” said a particularly large untubbed man. “Haha! It’s be like when iPhone 3K came out and the world was lit on fire!”

The five dark figures stood up slowly next to their chairs and walked together in one wide line. Cy counted it down, “Ready on three. One, two and THREE!”

Ten gray limbs sprouted from their hiding spots. Each hand with a different deadly weapon gripped with white fingers; a bat with nails, some kitchen cleavers, many steak and paring knives, and a corkscrew. “SCRAM!”, the team yelled in perfect unison.

The “guards” dispersed in a fast panic and the shrouded five were left alone. The weapons were slowly hidden and Cy opened his eyes again to see if their gambit worked. “They’re gone. Good work everyone. I think we’ll be safer inside now. Mount up again” said Cy.

The team rolled forward into the interior of the mall on their silent steeds. A Cinnabon Surgical Center/Blue Cross-Blue Croissant was the first tenant off to the left. The menu offered their last special before going out of business: “two lasixs gets a free pecan roll on your next visit”. The eye surgeons were left dusty in a corner next to some buckets of white frosting; nobody would get a free pecan roll anytime soon.

They passed the vending machines that lined the hallways. Nobody was in mood for CocaCocaine; the straws were missing and the mirror was totally cracked. The VaccinaLator500’s needle didn’t look like it had been washed in years but still seemed to be ready to give out flu shots as needed. One of the chairs stopped and a grey hand managed to purchase a Dasani water on a payment plan with a drink now for no money down incentive plan. The others waited while the vending machine produced the needed paperwork. The grey arm signed the contract and the five chairs moved forward again.

A pure thin voice sang out in a beautiful chanting song, “Who here needs a phone!” The group answers in perfect harmony, “We here with the extra cash!” The soloist replies again, “Who here needs a phone!” The group answers again, “We here without any souls!”

The group found the source of the music as the Apple Temple of Retail Perfection came into view. The Apple monks kept their faces hidden inside deep brown robes. The monks surrounded the five wheelchairs and gently urged the team inside the temple as they continued their chant.

The procession moved towards a strange green icon of Imaxxxiumus, lord of large format seenema.

Thin voice, “Who here is all alone?” The group, “We are here all alone.” Thin voice, “Who here has used FaceTime?” The group, “We have all used FaceTime.”

The procession glided by an ancient looking thing that might be a tablet.

Thin voice, “Who here likes big text?” The group, “We here all need big text.” Thin voice, “Who here has the iPad?” The group, “We here all have the iPad.”

The procession ran past an ancient looking thing that might be a set of flying googles.

Thin voice, “Who here hates his life?” The group, “We here all hate real life.” Thin voice, “Who here has the Apple Vision Pro?” The group, “None of us here has the Apple Vision Pro.”

The procession slowed and finally ended in front of the largest iPhone created, the iPhone 3K. Twin braziers were set on each side. The entire procession shuffled into pews and knelt in front of the altar of Form of Perfection. Thin voice flipped a small switch and some gas burners in the braziers offered some mediocre yellow flames.

The Thin voiced monk cleared his throat briefly and began the litany.

Thin voice stopped singing and commanded, “We pray for the return of the iPhone!” The group, “Amen, it shall return.”

Thin voice, “We pray for genius and our bars fully stocked.” The group, “Amen, the hubris is holy.”

Thin voice, “We pray for headphone jack.” The group, “Amen, may the lint fly away.”

Thin voice, “We pray for the return of the subsidized contracts!” The group, “Amen, it shall be done.”

Thin voice, “We pray for Jobs. All good that man hath seen was seen by him first.” The group, “Amen. All pray for good Jobs.”

The ceremony ended. The monks started to empty the pews. A wide looking man in a robe pushed out his hand at Cy, “Fifteen dollaradoos or whatever you have for the five of you, please.” Cy asked the channel quickly, “Does anybody have any change?”

Fifteen coins dropped from one of the enrobed chairs and the five rolled past the temple into the depths of the mall itself.

Pip commented on the chat channel suddenly, “DANGER CY ROBINSON! DANGER! DANGER!” and Lin offered something more precise, “What do I smell?”

Cy offered, “I think we might be near the food court”. Ras complained, “Oh god. Not eating. We have to see them eat?”. The five chairs glided into an open area within the bowels of the mall’s interior.

Ras was horrified as they passed two women dressed as clowns but no other covering. The two beclowned women took alternating turns smashing lemons into ice water over and over again as multiple men cheered on their work. “Who needs a limeade, baby!” cried an inappropriately dressed clown as coins rained in from the appreciative men.

The clown attired hostess smiled broadly as her flesh, the lemons flesh, and the limes flew freely in search of perfection in lemonade qua limeade. The clown shouted out, “Who needs some corn applied to their meat!?” and a man answered with “Just on my all beef! Cheese is for women!”

An untubbed man stuck an entire breaded flesh tube into his gob and chewed with relish and had relish on the side. Large strings of cheese extended from what appeared to be a small untubbed child’s tangled mouth of mismatched teeth.

Ras communicated to the rest “Well, at least I’ll have something terrifying to serve at my next job. I’m shutting my eyes. Tell me when we’re out of here. My nose will probably tell me anyways but I need to be sure.” Juni, quiet as usual, only offered, “At least you got that from this trip. If someone asks me for t-shirts and day-glo coveralls? Well, I shan’t be pleased.”

“VERPISST EUCH, PENNER!”, the repellant proclaimed overhead to no one in particular. It chased some kids with water bottle sprays and a can full of nickles that it would rattle angrily at anyone who came too close to the chairs as they left the food court without losing anyone to anyone else’s hunger. Cy noted to all, “The pawn shop is up ahead.”

The five chairs stopped in front of a large and filthy open air pawn shop. There were some fifteen distinct aisles crammed with merchandise and there was no real sense of any order from the outside. Cy noted, “I’ll go and ask if they have any old content in here. No need to scour through all this if we don’t have to.” The rest of the team was happy to let Cy talk as their voices might betray who was who. All expressed their agreement to Cy via their palm devices.

Cy’s chair rolled him smoothly to a counter where a grey-ish man who seemed a bit scrawny and underfed waited for him with a smile on his face. The man introduced himself, “Hello, hive-dweller! It’s been ages since any of you have visited us here. My name is Grin, I’m our customer liaison officer and welcome to the Mall’s Pawn Shop! I bet you’d like some new content to entertain your masters with?”

“Uh, yes.” Cy responded and released his grip on a machete he had 3-D printed at his local 7endy-11endy that he planned to threaten Grin with. “Can you help me find something in all of this?” Cy waved a covered arm at the expansive mess.

Grin was elated and offered, “Yes! I have a great collection of old VHS tapes! They’ll be just the thing for you!”.

Cy nonplussed asked, “Vee8Esch? I’m not sure what this is? A tape drive? I guess we could get one to work…”

Grin laughed, “Hah! Yeah, kinda like a tape drive, but it’s a video format from the deep past. You’ll need an emulator but I keep some in stock. It’s always a great promotion! Ancient video night! Such fun!”

Grin motioned for Cy to follow and his chair kept him at a safe distance as Grin walked quickly down the third aisle to a row of stacked boxes. Grin asked Cy, “Do you have any idea what you might want? There’s all sorts of rare things in here.” Grin tossed a few boxes as he searched for something for Cy.

Cy responded, “The less known the better, please.”

Grin chuckled, “That’s right. Everybee is always looking for something new to do in the hive. Can’t ever bee or do the same thing twice? Must be scary to be so frightened of boredom, but I never have that trouble. Always something interesting to think about even if there’s nothing in front of you the whole time.”

Grin produced a box labeled “Kings of Comedy: Rudy Ray Moore, Nipsy Russell and more!” and placed it in Cy’s lap. He pulled another called “Match Game 1976”, “The A-Team” and “The Redneck Comedy Showcase”. The boxes had pictures of various people and places on them. Cy couldn’t make out any of it and he hoped that Lin would figure it all out later.

Cy asked “What are all these things, Grin?”

Grin said, “Stuff nobody has seen for ages now. I’m sure they’re indexed in the hive somewhere, but nobody looks in the corners of what we all know. There’s magic in the spaces that the digitization of everyone and everything left behind somehow. In any case, I bet you’ll make all sorts of new friends in the hive with this stuff. It’s wild, surprising, and often not very good, but very sincere.”

Cy looked at the back of one box and tried, “I pity the fool who doesn’t own this tape”. The quote was next to a man with a strange hairstyle and beard. His neck was massively adorned which meant his words must have carried much weight with the ancients. Cy looked back at Grin, “How do we get the data off the tape without a drive?”

Grin reached under a counter and pulled out a small box a bit larger than the tape itself, “Just push the tape into the slot in front of this box. The box will connect to tubfi 2.5 or lower. You might need to lower your security settings a bit but we haven’t found the time to upgrade to tubfi 3.X with all the breaking changes.” The box was completely featureless beyond the open slot where, as Grin demonstrated, the “tape” would be inserted. After the tape was inserted, they all could feel the box trying to connect.

Pip qua a Cylon Centurion, listening via Cy’s tablet microphone, told Cy, “It’s safe to connect everyone. No issue with tubfi 2.5. I can keep it isolated and safe. Take him up on this, it seems like a steal. What’s the cost?” Lin noted, “Ugh. Yeah. If we can get the data off that nasty looking thing, I can build some personality constructs to replace my typical writing staff”.

Cy confirmed his assent and began to negotiate with Grin, “OK. I’m interested, how about fifty Apple Ringoeuronies for the whole set?” Cy dropped five white disks that displayed an apple ring holographically over each one. The coins plastically bounced on the tabletop.

Grin was slightly disappointed and countered, “You don’t have DisneyDollaradoodles? Hmm…”

Cy countered quickly with, “Seventy-five Apple Ringoeuronies. We’d give you DisneyDollaradoodles but our master is still working through a large purchase of Apple cash and he hasn’t moved over to Disney yet. I’ll need to charge the remainder; I didn’t bring that much cash to the Mall as it’s not safe.”

Grin smiled widely “Now you’re talking my tubbie! Deal. Please open your tattoo panel for me.”

Cy reached up and ripped open the velcro strap over his head. A large barcode was tattooed there with the word MasterFlesh. Grin pulled the laser wand from the side of his register but only shot the beams into Cy’s eyes. “Sorry, man, the cord is too short to reach you. Can you just use the table top scanner, please?”

Cy placed his forehead on the counter and rolled it back and forth until the scanner beeped its approval. He watched another twenty-five Apple Ringoeuronies leave his account.

Cy thanked Grin and took the merchandise. The team slowly backed out of the pawn store. “HÚZZATOK EL, CSÖVESEK!”, the repellant yelled overhead as they rolled back towards the parking lot where Stan awaited. “I DIDN’T KNOW HOBOS COULD JUMP THAT HIGH!” shouted Stan in the distance as the chairs rolled towards his exit.