House Rabbit

Johnny Rico sat attentively in his high school civics class. His girlbun Carmen was just in front of him and she was so fuzzing hot. She had his full attention and the looking was good.

She was covered in tawny brown fur with a white belly where she had a pierced rabbit navel. She topped it off with long, long ears and round haunches that looked ready to spring a full millimeter before you got her by the neck. That cottonball in the back would look just great in some yoga pants if you know what I’m saying. Wait, was someone talking right now?

“MR. RICO! Can you give me a summary of what I just said to the class?” said Johnny’s teacher, Mr. Razzcat. The feline’s vertical iris from his one good eye narrowed at his educational prey.

Johnny Rico’s ears flattened and he meekly offered, “Hopping ensures warrenhood. Only warreners should guide the body rabbit.”

The feline purred back, “Yes. The textbook answer as to why citizenship is awarded. Military service ensures a place in the warren, but that’s not the question. Why would we want military service as a basis for moral authority in polymammalian society?”

The cat walked between the students looking for someone who might give him a reasonable reply. His missing eye had a dark patch over it, but everybunny thought he could still see out of it somehow.

Rico tried, “They have skin in the game, sir?”

The cat looked back at Rico and said, “Skin yes, but what is it about military service that ensures warrenhood? Why this mode of service to the community and not, let’s say, school teachers?”

The class laughed at this as Mr. Razzcat was a known veteran. The eyepatch and the missing front paw were a constant reminder of the sacrifices the cat made in service of House Rabbit.

Johnny sputtered between his buck teeth and couldn’t come up with an answer. Razzcat addressed the rest of the class and asked, “Can anyone help out Mr. Rico here?”

Carmen raised her hand saucily, “Mr. Razzcat?”

The cat called on the young female bunny, “Yes, go ahead, Ms. Ibanez.”

Carmen answered calmly, “Violence is the basis of all moral authority. As hoppers, bunnies can deliver violence, sugar the non-compliant, and protect the warren unlike any other.”

Mr. Razzcat smiled, “Exactly right. Violence, state-sponsored violence, is the basis by which all mammals form the needed hierarchies that drive evolution forward. Without violence, the state is unhealthy and the body rabbit becomes ill.”

The cat walked to the head of the class and offered, “Think back on how we needed to deal with the squirrels. They refused the hoppers. They refused to harvest the Carrot. They simply took and twitched their tails as they attempted to gain control of mammalian society. Now they have their proper place. Let’s have a small demonstration on how violence maintains order and why those we entrust with its power are our society’s overseers. I’m feeling a bit peckish before lunch. I guess I should order something to eat before I get too cranky. Low blood sugar issues, unfortunately.”

Razzcat pulled the velvet rope that summoned a teaching assistant. TA Nutty came into the room. His squirrel eyes did not meet any of the rabbits as he entered. “You need something, sir?” said the brown squirrel to the cat. The squirrel kept his head lowered and would not look at any rabbit in the room.

“Yes. Nutty. I would have you for lunch,” said the cat over one gleaming eye.

“I am sorry, sir, but I have another duty at lunchtime,” said the squirrel softly.

“Not to serve, Nutty. I haven’t had squirrel in a month at least. So, not to serve, but to be served. Your mother was very tasty and I suspect the apple does not fall far from the tree,” the cat coolly continued.

“PLEASE NO SIR! I’M AN EXCELLENT TA. LOOK AT THE GRADING I’VE DONE JUST THIS MORNING…” the squirrel screamed.

“As you can see class, Nutty is now fully able to contribute to society and it is violence that keeps him correctly motivated,” said Razzcat over the screaming squirrel.

“I CAN TAKE ANOTHER CLASS ON! I CAN SHINE YOUR CLAWS! I CAN FIND CATNIP! I KNOW A GUY!” continued the TA.

The bell rang as Razzcat informed his TA that he actually had a sardine sandwich from home for his lunch. Nutty sighed and asked if he was allowed to use the restroom. It appeared, based on the puddle on the floor, that this request was late.

The rabbits pushed past the TA and teacher to get to their next class.

Dizzy, a smaller hare with bright red fur and a dark belly, hopped over to Rico.

“Hey, Johnny? I was wondering if you had time later to study? I could use some help and you seem so smart,” said the young rabbit with lightly pleading eyes.

“Carmen, wait up!” yelled Rico after his girlbun’s departing cottontail.

He then told Dizzy, “Sorry, I need to catch Carmen. Maybe some other time, Dizzy.”

“oh. ok,” Dizzy said to her feet and walked slowly away.

Carmen laughed as Johnny caught up, “Are you set for graduation? I’m trying out for Fleet! I want to be a starship pilot!”

Rico offered, “You’ve got the brains for Fleet under those ears, Carmen. Are you doing anything later?”

Carmen toyed with her beau, “Johnny Rico? Are you ready to make 20-30 babies already? No no no! I’m a career bun! Beyond making more Ricos, what is on your mind for after high school?”

Rico noted, “Well, I’m thinking of hopping. Mobile Sugaring is my rabbit hole.”

Carmen was excited by the news, “A hopper? Oh my, I bet you’ll look amazing in a dress uniform! I bet you can’t catch me before I get to Jelly Bean Energy Weaponry class!” Carmen hopped off and Johnny was close behind.

Dizzy looked at the two of them together from afar and closed her locker with a sigh.