Why did Mario break up with Princess Peach?

setup: Why did Mario break up with Princess Peach?

[Couples Therapist] qua office, plant, glass of water, soft lighting Mario. Princess. Welcome. Let’s start with what brings you here today.

[Mario] qua red cap, blue overalls, mustache, eyes downcast I told her. I told her. It’s not you, it’s-a me.

[Princess Peach] qua pink gown, blonde braid, slight quiver He said it’s-a me, Mario. He used the possessive.

[Couples Therapist] Mario, why did you frame it that way?

[Mario] Because. Because it’s not her. It is, in fact, a me.

[Couples Therapist] A you.

[Mario] A me.

[Couples Therapist] Singular.

[Mario] I am a singular me.

[Shakes] qua couples-therapy intern, beaming This is the best of all possible breakups.

[Princess Peach] He has been jumping for thirty years. He has rescued me fifteen times. Fifteen. He has eaten mushrooms I gave him. He has grown. He has shrunk. He has thrown fire. And now he wants out.

[Mario] It is-a me. I need to find who I am.

[Couples Therapist] And who do you think you are, Mario?

[Mario] A plumber. I have always been a plumber. I have not done plumbing in thirty years. I have done hostage rescue.

[Princess Peach] You also like hostage rescue.

[Mario] It’s-a me.

[Manyfeek] qua single golden coin on the therapist’s coffee table ((FROM THE TABLE)) I am one of his coins. He collects me. He collects all of me. I have not been spent. I want to be spent. Mario, please spend me.

[Couples Therapist] Mario. Princess. There is a third party present.

[Manyfeek] I am also part of the relationship.

[Princess Peach] What about Luigi?

[Mario] Luigi is not part of this.

[Princess Peach] Luigi is always part of this.

[Mario] It is-a me. Not it’s-a us. I have made this decision.

[Couples Therapist] Mario. Have you considered couples coin-collecting?

[Mario] That’s just collecting.

punchline: He told her, “It’s not you, it’s-a me, Mario!”