What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?

setup: What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu?

[Pharmacist] qua white coat, glasses on chain, three pens in breast pocket Mr. Berger. I’m reviewing your symptoms. Have you been around birds?

[BILL] qua hoodie pulled up, three days of stubble, congestion audible ((NASAL)) Yes. No. Yes. I have a bird feeder.

[Pharmacist] And swine?

[BILL] I — I had bacon this morning.

[Pharmacist] ((PURSES LIPS)) Mr. Berger. This is more complicated than I anticipated.

[Pharmacist] ((TYPING)) For bird flu, you will need tweetment.

[BILL] Tweet —

[Pharmacist] Twice a day. Forty-character oral dosage. Trending.

[Shakes] qua pharmacy technician with a clipboard, beaming This is the best of all possible pandemic seasons.

[Pharmacist] For swine flu, you will need oinkment.

[BILL] Oinkment.

[Pharmacist] A topical application. Smells of bacon. Spreads across the affected area.

[BILL] And if I have both?

[Pharmacist] ((SUCKS TEETH)) Then we will need to combine.

[BILL] What does the combination look like.

[Pharmacist] ((PULLS DOWN A DUSTY JAR LABELED TWOINKMENT IN A LABEL-MAKER FONT)) It is rare. It is expensive. It is what we fear.

[Manyfeek] qua expired tube of generic ointment behind the counter ((FROM THE BACK)) Just rub it on yourself. That’s literally what it is.

[Pharmacist] ((WITHOUT TURNING)) Manny.

[Manyfeek] They made you pay for the joke.

[BILL] What’s the copay.

[Pharmacist] For the tweetment: free with a retweet.

[BILL] And the oinkment?

[Pharmacist] Eighty-six dollars.

[BILL] ((HEAVILY)) Of course.

punchline: One requires tweetment, the other an oinkment.