Baloney Slicer

i am of indeterminate age and carrying a well worn, old suitcase by the handle. i see, in the distance, a lit sign in the brown distance. i approach and the sign says “Delicatessen” with a golden pig underneath. It hangs and swings by two chains as i enter the establishment and a bell goes off.

an uneasy man enters wiping a hatchet like, gleaming cleaver and approaches me.

[DELI OWNER] pointing towards me and the door. Allez-vous-en. Nous n’embauchons pas. ::SUBTITLE: Go away. We’re not hiring::

[BILL] opening suitcase. large shoes drop out. also a brown paper parcel. Non. Attendez. J’ai quelque chose pour vous. Pour votre commerce. Laissez-moi vous montrer. ::SUBTITLE: no. wait a minute. i have something for you. your business. let me show you::

[DELI OWNER] snarling with cleaver pointing at [BILL] Dégagez ! Du vent ! ::SUBTITLE: Please go::

[Shakes] qua myopic doe eyed woman suddenly in doorway. Looks longingly at Bill C’est le moment rêvé pour qu’un clown mystère nous fasse à tous une démonstration intégrale du contenu du colis brun déposé tout à l’heure ici!! ::SUBTITLE: Give him a chance, Dad!::

[BILL] awkwardly thanks [Shakes] with a smile that he hopes she can see.

[BILL] opens the box and a small banjo drops out. Vous connaissez le Tikka-Tikka Trot ! ::SUBTITLE: I have a fun tune. Do you know it?::

[Shakes] runs off quickly and returns with eyeglasses and a musical saw Je ne le connais pas, mais lancez-vous — je devrais pouvoir suivre! ::SUBTITLE: Let’s jam. You hunk!::

[BILL] starts and dances brightly left and right ▎ Tikka-tikka, tikka-tikka, faites le trot ! ▎ Mesdames, messieurs, en avant les sabots ! ▎ Tikka-tikka, tikka-tikka, secouez le grelot ! ▎ Tournez la manivelle, et qu’on lève le chapeau ! ::SUBTITLE: If you think I’m sexy, just reach out and touch me:: ::SUBTITLE: Come on baby let me know.:: ::SUBTITLE: If you think I’m sexy, just reach out and touch me:: ::SUBTITLE: Come on baby let me know.::

[Shakes] delighted. offers « Je crois que je l’ai… » ▎ ↗ Ouééééééé… ↘ aïïïïïïe… 🪚 ▎ Wouïïïï-ouééé… vooooïïïlààààà… ▎ ↗ Mmmmmaaa-ouééééé… ↘ hélaaaaas… ▎ Wouïï-wouïï… ouèèèè-eu-eu-eu… ↗ ouééééé ! ::SUBTITLE: You know I think you’re sexy honey.:: ::SUBTITLE: Musical saw version of Da Ya Think I’m Sexy By Rod, the Man, Stewart::

[DELI OWNER] picks up a strange looking knife from [BILL]’s luggage. Tiens, qu’est-ce que c’est ?… Parfait. ::SUBTITLE: I’m going to get that sucka. No clown for my Shakes!::

(The knife is now in mid air. It spins as it flies in a boomerang-ish arc towards [BILL])

[BILL] gored by thown “australian” knife in forehead « TCHAC ! » ::SUBTITLE: Ouch.::

[DELI OWNER] post throw motion Fin du numéro. ::SUBTITLE: GAME OVER!::