Gaia Goddess 9000

i am in my late twenties and sitting in a conference room overlooking the Pacific Ocean. The glass keeps us separated but it still seems like there’s an ocean breeze in this room somehow. i’m looking over at [Shakes] qua El-Centro/Yuma buyer for Levine Motors and some other media buyers for this account. [Manyfeek] qua Sacramento TV is sleeping with his face on the conference room table and a small pool of saliva is running from the corner of his mouth.

Our boss, a GaiaGoddess9000 painted as the Patchwork Girl from Oz named GiGi, smoothly enters the room and takes her seat at the front of the table. From her center console, a stack of papers is disgorged. She flips the stack over, takes the first page, and reads from it.

[GiGi] brightly Good morning Levine Motors Media Buying TEAM! Yay! It’s time for our staff meeting. These are my notes that I’ve been randomly writing as the salty sea breeze hits my face when I stand tall in front of the rising sun each morning!

[Staff] through sighs and a slight French accent is heard Good morning, GiGi!

[Manyfeek] jumps awake and attempts to focus Present!

[GiGi] looking warmly at [Manyfeek]. pulling a paper from the stack and reading with readers on. Hm. OK. Please do not put bagels in the kitchen without coming back to clean up.

[Maurice Chevalier, french creep, undead] qua Fresno Radio buyer Pardonnez moi, Mademoisselle JHEE JHEE! I has the qwestion-an, seel vous-plate? ((READ LIKE THE MOST OFFENSIVE VERSION OF PEPE LE PEW AS POSSIBLE))

[GiGi] cocking head and looking at [Maurice] with a smile. Yes, Maurice?

[Maurice Chevalier, french creep, undead] qua Fresno Radio buyer I ’ave, how deew yew say eet, le K-JHUG par Veeezalia heeere. Dey has dee baghals and dey place dem down… ((READ LIKE THE MOST OFFENSIVE VERSION OF PEPE LE PEW AS POSSIBLE))

[GiGi] patient but needing to continue Maurice, could we parking lot that question for now. You and I can meet about bagels after the meeting, OK?

[Maurice Chevalier, french creep, undead] qua Fresno Radio buyer Buuut uv course Mademoissell JHEE JHEE. ♫♫ Tank eaven pour leeetle gurls…♫♫ ((READ LIKE THE MOST OFFENSIVE VERSION OF PEPE LE PEW AS POSSIBLE))

[Staff] groaning.

[GiGi] impatient Maurice, your PIP explicitly states that the leeeetle gurls song is inappropriate.

[Maurice Chevalier, french creep, undead] chastened. mumbling to himself Zut alors. Mais enfin, cela laisse à désirer. C’est un comble ::SUBTITLE: Fuck this place.::

[GiGi] eyeing Maurice as she picks up another paper from the stack If you mis-enter STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION as STAR TREK, you will be fired the next day.

[Maurice Chevalier, french creep, undead] confused Dere eees no STAR TREK eeen de Frarhrezno la radio markeet? How dew eye speeell nuting?! ((READ LIKE THE MOST OFFENSIVE VERSION OF PEPE LE PEW AS POSSIBLE))

[GiGi] speaking into a nearby phone Can someone from human resources come into this conference room, please?

[Maurice Chevalier, french creep, undead] confused, angry Whot deed eye say? ((READ LIKE THE MOST OFFENSIVE VERSION OF PEPE LE PEW AS POSSIBLE))

Pourquoi avez-vous appelé les RH, JHEE JHEE! ::SUBTITLE: You called HR on me, bitch?!::

[GAMS] enters room and stands threatening next to Maurice

[GiGi] speaking Hi GAMS, can you read Maurice’s PIP to him, please?

[GAMS] kicks Maurice in the face four times. Straight snap kicks to the nose. ((BANG BANG BANG BANG))

[Maurice Chevalier, french creep, undead] with hands over face J’abandonne! Pitié! Ça suffit! ::SUBTITLE: Ow. I’m gonna git you back sucka. Next time me meet. Bang! Out goes GAMS. Just you wait…::

[Manyfeek] high-fives one of GAMS’s heeled feet. Sweet ::OBSCENITY REDACTED:: snap kick, my man!

[GAMS] leaves, purrs somehow and brushes up against [BILL] on the way out.

[GiGi] continuing on. pulls another paper from her stack. Oh JOY! Halloween is coming soon. As you know, every Halloween we at the Levine Motors buying team all go trick or treating to every national rep firm in TOWN! This year’s theme! COWS! That’s right, we’ll all dress up as cows! MOOOO! MOOO! MOO! moo. Such fun…

[Maurice Chevalier] mumbling. Pas question, putain, que je m’habille en putain de vache ::SUBTITLE: Oh. I know who the cow is lady and it certainly isn’t me::

((STEAM ESCAPING FROM BILL’S COLLAR BUILDING)) [BILL] head explodes

[Manyfeek] celebrating through gore rain Free jam! Free ::OBSCENITY REDACTED:: jam!

[Shakes] wiping off gore with napkin This is going to be the best of all possible ways to meet my peers!