Rum Raisin

metabill · by Bill Berger

i am 18 and behind a dipping freezer at MacroMondoIceCremo.

i see an android in front of me looking downwards at 30 or more five gallon tubs of MacroMondoIceCremo ice creams. i am awaiting his choice as i am to scoop his choice into a service vessel of his choice as well. The first choice, traditionally, is the flavor choice. This is often very very challenging for MacroMondoIceCremo customers. For this person, this will be their most difficult choice of the day.

[CHOOSING ANDROID] I would taste the flavor: RUM RAISIN!

[BILL] finding small spoon Here is a sample.

[CHOOSING ANDROID] tasting sample This is very very tasty.

[BILL] shrugging. So, cup or cone?

[CHOOSING ANDROID] tasting sample No no no no. This is very very very tasty. Like very tasty.

[CHOOSING ANDROID] leaning forward. conspiratorially. whispering. This flavor wouldn’t have alcohol in it?

[BILL] sorta confused. The flavor said rum?

[CHOOSING ANDROID] exploding like Bilbo after the ring from Frodo I’M AN ALCOHOLIC AND MUST HAVE ALL OF IT NOW!

[BILL] pulling back defensive against [CHOOSING ANDROID]’s scrabbling, twisting, grasping, pointed fingers Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! No ice cream for you man. Who knows what else will set you off. Maybe something else.

[CHOOSING ANDROID] calmly. OK. Maybe the rum cake?

[BILL] stares and waits for a moment

[BILL] changes. Skin quickly becomes wet and clammy like a walking corpse. His hair (which he has plenty of at 18) coarsens and becomes a strange mop like affair in moments.

[BILL] changed, after a brief snort. and with a slight spanish accent and calm How much have you ever lost in a coin toss?

[CHOOSING ANDROID] very concerned. Sorry?

[BILL] slightly annoyed Sorry?! Who is sorry? Are you hard of hearing?

[CHOOSING ANDROID] scared No.

[BILL] slightly annoyed How much have you ever lost in a coin toss?

[CHOOSING ANDROID] looking down. Well, I couldn’t say…

[BILL] flipping quarter into air Call it.

[CHOOSING ANDROID] watching fearfully.

[BILL] snapping quarter out of air and slamming it on counter. I said CALL IT.

[CHOOSING ANDROID] having issues making a choice…

[BILL] looking annoyed turns to watch outside through the front window of MacroMondoIceCremo at a man walking across the street without looking either way.

[SHAKES] listening to music on headphones This is the best of all possible beginnings!

… and [SHAKES] is promptly hit by an oncoming bus.