Columnar Architecture

I am bill? · by Bill Berger

Columnar Architecture

I am 50 years and one day old sitting in a conference room.

I’m tired and cold. I am at what is called a retreat. I’m not sure who we are running from, but we were at some amazing resort with sun, sand. It was so nice to spend seven hours a day inside a closed room because it allowed your imagination to soar.

The entire company is here and we’re engaged in using PowerPoint like American Gladiators use giant Q-tips to vent. It’s early in the morning because, of course, “there’s so much to do and so little time.” This existential crisis helps us focus on the important stuff.

I’m watching the android kick off the meeting. He has an impressive rodeo-style routine using the blockchain. You know. Lasso up over the head. Down to the bottom. Hop outside. Put proboscis in. Take it out. The standard stuff, but he made it his own with the blockchain. As he took high fives on his way back to his chair, I was called to present and clouds started to form in the room. Everyone knew this might be dangerous, I was next and everyone knew I was very, very tired.

I’d been known to be a slow presenter. Where some seemed to take pride in not using torture and tried to get off the stage before someone could ruin their lives. You see, if a PowerPoint that goes into the meeting is changed by the time it leaves, well, you might want to update LinkedIn.

My problem was that I would often stop and think before I spoke. I see a slide and only one thing on it.

COLUMNAR ARCHITECTURE.

I am in front of this word. I’m thinking “why am I standing in front of this word.” Android always knew when I had a why. I think he installed a sensor. While I had my jaw in my hand, the android flashed on his front video so only I could see: “HAHAHAHAH BILL WHYING. PROBABLY REBOOTING RIGHT NOW”.

I’m trying to answer this question, and given that I’d be up for my fifth night out, with strangers on my birthday, only images of “meat, blood, and hate” for some reason. I stop the why, and get to what. I’m allowed to skip the bullet point as, well, I don’t know what they do and nobody else seems to either. Explain this now and go.

“Columnar architecture is a database optimization. It allows you to select a portion of your data versus taking in more than you need. This will speed our queries. Not all databases are columnar and that’s ok. Some databases are better suited for operations that are not laid out in a columnar fashion. You can think of an abattoir. The animals are then cut up and put to the supermarket. If you need ribs and only that, go to the supermarket.”

Many people laughed and now understood. Others seemed troubled. Some wanted, I think, for me (the folks who like to get done), to do what was appropriate. I should have said:

COLUMNAR ARCHITECTURE.

…as that would have tested everyone in their reading ability.