Kinesso Sewer Madhouse

I am bill? · by Bill Berger

Kinesso / Sewer-Madhouse

I am in my forties, in a conference room, looking out the window.

I’m in the Kinesso conference room waiting for an android who has requested my exclusive presence. While I’m waiting for it, I see “JavaWorld” on the street below. It’s an open-air convention for Java that opens up to the fourth circle of Hell if you turn the wrong way in the halls. There’s a bar in the street for like-minded Java folks to socialize over drinking. I’m bored so trying to think of a good pick-up line between two hungry Java programmers. I don’t pick up women unless they fall down in front of me and then gently; don’t know much about this miserable language. Let’s see: horrible, takes too many words to get started, interface, sex. Okay. How about this: “Hey baby, I’m not your type but I implement Fuckable.” That’s about as good as it gets before the android steps into the room.

It looks perfectly human, and he’s not orange, but I still hear ticking. It needs my help and I’m here without any pre-knowledge as to what we’ll be doing. Perhaps I can help oil him or find a port for him to charge. No idea, but totally ready to talk. Its aspirations are unknown. Maybe to serve man or maybe to serve man?

The voice is clear:

::HELLO FELLOW HUMAN::

I nod.

::I AM HERE TO GET YOUR KNOWLEDGE. I NEED TO KNOW THINGS::

Okay.

::I NEED TO KNOW HOW LONG SOMETHING WILL TAKE::

Sure. I usually don’t like this question, but I’m waiting.

::HOW LONG WILL IT TAKE TO CONSTRUCT A SOLUTION THAT WILL SOLVE ALL WORLD HUNGER WITHOUT EATING::

No. No. That’s not it, it was a bit harder…

::HOW LONG WILL IT TAKE TO CONSTRUCT A SOLUTION THAT WILL AUTOMATE ALL AGENCY REPORTING WORLDWIDE::

WOW! I exclaim. “Checking android functions well?” (Using few and long words helped the android who had been trained on 1984 and preferred doublespeak.)

::YES::

Try again. “Android NOT insane right now?”

::YES::

Okay. It was serious and I ask…

“Android, how much time do I have to think about it?”

::OVERRIDE: NO THINKING. SHOULD KNOW ALREADY::

I stumble and sputter.

“Android: can we break this down into smaller pieces and at least try to think on each one?”

::OVERRIDE: NO THINKING. SHOULD KNOW ALREADY:: ::OVERRIDE: NO THINKING. SHOULD KNOW ALREADY:: ::OVERRIDE: NO THINKING. SHOULD KNOW ALREADY:: ::OVERRIDE: NO THINKING. SHOULD KNOW ALREADY:: …shit it’s in a loop ::OVERRIDE: NO THINKING. SHOULD KNOW ALREADY::

5 (and five is right out), 4, 3, get to the chopper before it blows…