Valentina Is Coming

I am bill? · by Bill Berger

Valentina Is Coming

I am 35 and driving with white knuckles over the wheel.

I am waking up on Valentine’s Day 2003, and my wife, heavily pregnant and due-ish, doubles over while brushing her teeth. That wasn’t the usual way she brushed her teeth as the foamy stuff runs into the nose that way. Guess what, she says, “LETS HAVE A BABY NOW!!!”

She was adamant that we should get going and I’ve zero ready. So, fuck it, let’s get out of here. It is of course nine AM, the hospital is in Beverly Hills, and that makes us about 45 minutes. I called Snake Guy, but well, he just doesn’t do taxi service as it takes too damn long in Los Angeles and it affects his KPIs. Alright, I’ll do the driving, let’s get to Beverly Hills on the 101 freeway in full traffic.

[BILL EYES AT FULL SILVER DOLLAR] [CAR ROLLS AN INCH] [LESLEY SCREAMS IN PAIN]

… kinda like that, I will not see the entire ninety minute drive as this is a Lesley torture scene…

[BILL EYES AT FULLER SILVER DOLLAR YELLING] WHERE IS THE BABY EXTRACTION TEAM? [LESLEY IN WHEELCHAIR UNHAPPY] [ZOOM INTO ROOM]

[LESLEY LIES ON BED] [BILL SITTING. EYES FULLEST SILVER DOLLAR. BEING VERY STILL SO AS NOT TO FUCK THIS UP]

[LESLEY TWISTS AS YET ANOTHER CONTRACTION HITS] [LESLEY] Talk to me.

[BILL SITTING. EYES FULLEST SILVER DOLLAR. BEING VERY STILL SO AS NOT TO FUCK THIS UP. ONLY MOUTH MOVING] So, I guess this is how you’d like to spend your Valentine’s? I mean I had all these plans, the roses, the violins…

[LESLEY LAUGHS] Bullshit.

I see her wheeled into her room and the epidural’s in and my eyes become normal. I can start the communications. The entire Proudfoot family has been informed and I can hear the stomps coming my way. My mother is informed and will drop by the next day. My father had warned me that he was on vacation to Carmel, he knew Lesley was due-ish, but I was to inform him if something was up. As part of a baby shower, my father had guessed the name and date of our child: Valentina on February 14, 2003.

I called the hotel and was informed that my folks hadn’t arrived — probably still driving down from the city. I asked if I could leave a message: “Valentina is coming.”

The next bits are well, fine, but I’ll leave one description: squamous.

Zoe is born right before the day ends to keep the curse of a February 14 birthday. My father arrives with a green bag, picks up his new granddaughter, and has the biggest smile I have ever seen on him.