A Jerry Maguire

I am bill? · by Bill Berger

Jerry Maguire

I am in my thirties and on a speaker phone.

I am on a conference call with an important client, Dr. Clamcheese’s BrontoBarn, to discuss the radio promotions our buying team has negotiated on their behalf. I am to read the promo copy that will air so we can all prove that Bill’s reading comprehension is still good after all these years.

We’ve already tried to use my typical phone handset and needed to move to speakerphone for some vague and unimportant reason. Here I go and reading normally:

[BILL] Dino Heads! Four raptor bites two dolla…

[DR. CLAMCHEESE after squeal] Uh. Uh. Yes, Bill. Thank you, but you’re a little soft on this side. If you wouldn’t mind, please, say it louder. The T-Rex can’t hear in back.

[BILL] Of course. Sorry. Let me try again.

DINO HEADS! Four raptor bites TWO DOLLARS! T-Rex half off ARE YOU….

[DR. CLAMCHEESE after squeal] Uh. Uh. Yes, Bill. Thank you, much better, but the pterodactyl’s hearing aid just malfunctioned. I’m sorry, pleeease, louder and, well, if you could, you know, make it yours. Sell me on this!

[BILL watching as people start to collect and watch outside my conference room] Of course. Sorry. Let me try again.

DINO HEADS! FOUR RAPTOR BITES TWO DOLLARS! T-REX HALF OFF ARE YOU INSAAAANE?!

[Snake Guy] BAM! Hang up that damn phone!

… and he manages to huck my phone to the snake waiting on the street somehow.