Rosebud
Rosebud
I am twenty-one years old and I’m at a company party.
I hear loud, loud music and I’m at an EJL party that allowed us to drink with abandon. I’m making a yearly salary that might afford to support about five or six hungry children in Africa for a month. So it’s important to attend all of these parties as the food and drink have a substantial impact on your net worth. I take a sip and think “another dime for the Billster.” I never call myself “Billster” and nobody else does either, but it’s a fun word to say kinda slow and sexy. Try it yourself: “Billster.” Anyhow, back to the party.
Next to me stands another young man about the same height as me and about the same weight. I see his blond hair and blue eyes, but we’ll call him Steeeve for short. We are young and, although we’ve only known each other for a few months, I am fully aware that Steeeve has a second agenda and together we are working as a team. Steeve has never had a serious relationship and I have excellent information about what kinds of girls he likes and the unfortunate fact that “it’s been awhile.” There’s been some subtle hints that, in fact, it has been a year or more since “awhile” was ago, or something, I was a little hazy from the drinks (but so much richer). So I see he is on the “prowl” and I am a “wingman.” I forgot my flight vest, but he lets me stand next to him anyway.
I am not “prowling” nor doing any other feline-adjacent anything. It’s not “been awhile” and Steeeve has no notion of the size of our relative “awhiles” and I don’t like an “awhile measuring party” during cocktails. Nevertheless, I am scanning my assigned quadrant. I’m not as good as him at finding “hotties” but I also didn’t bring my IR goggles and Steeeeve seemed to have some embedded behind his eyes. He could see “hotties” without goggles. My head is turned when Steeeve exclaims/warns: “JOE.”
I snap my head back to Steeeve and see Joe Eisaman. His last name is the E in the EJL triptych and his position on the org chart is about a thousand times where my box was on the bottom. His box was under God it seemed on just nothing if you don’t like Life of Pi. Joe senses fear on my face as I have never spoken to the man and my eyes are both red and probably quite large. Steeeeve knows him from “softball,” where Steeeeeve is a ringer and happy. Steeeeeeeeve can swing and send balls flying hundreds of feet; therefore, he’s quite important to the company or maybe a little to Joe. Either way, Joe is starting an ice breaker without a pilot:
JOE: What did [random name similar to things I might have heard on the news] say when he fell off the boat?
I have no fucking idea and am earnest to hear the ending. I assume the odd name is a rich person because people fall off boats all the time and few people care. So he’s important somehow. We look nonplussed and any other math that was required.
JOE (continuing): ROSEGLUB.
This is actually very funny and I laugh. It didn’t need much delivery but he’d done something to add to it. Steve is looking confused at me. Joe narrows his eyes. He’s found me out. I’m just some suckup here to become rich on no money and free-flowing booze. Maybe I’m trouble and he tests me immediately and stares.
JOE: WHY IS THIS FUNNY? (He’s shouting. It is very loud and he’s not rude.)
So everybody knows Citizen Kane, I think. He must think I don’t know who the dude was. Or worse, it was his friend and this wasn’t a joke at all, but to see if I secretly hated Joe and his friend and am laughing at them and his demise.
ME: UH HE WAS THAT RICH GUY ON THE NEWS? (This question mark is small. I haven’t committed much, but it’s obvious in the joke context that this must be newsworthy etc. Falling off boats isn’t interesting unless you are interesting. If you fall off a boat, and are not interesting, the whole thing becomes uninteresting.)
JOE: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. ROSEGLUB.
So he’s changed the register to give me an unneeded hint. It’s hard to describe what ROSEBUD means and Citizen Kane, and it’s loud. My voice doesn’t carry well, so I pantomime holding a glass thing, dropping it, and “dying.”
Joe is delighted and I now have brownie points but am still hungry.