Buck Leaves the Farm

Ch_001_000: Buck leaves the farm

Buck stretched on his yoga mat and looked peacefully over his master’s farm. He stretched up and moved into the warrior. Then, he turned slowly and faced the sun. He decided that he wouldn’t do his tai chi and that his asanas today were enough to keep him limber.

It was time for some transcendental meditation and he started his mantra, “yahooyahooyahooyahoo.” Buck’s mind calmed and then he was prepared to face the day.

Buck’s master, WoofWoof, called for Buck. “WoofWoof! Rup! Buck! WoofWoof! Rup! Buck!” Buck was very smart and knew that “Rup! Buck!” meant that Buck should try to find his master and run immediately to his aid or whatever might please him. The most important part of “Rup! Buck!” was to get there as fast as you could run!

Buck tried to smell his master, but his very weak nose was nearly useless and he just stared in various directions. Buck’s eyes were his best and, pretty much, only worthwhile sense compared to his master. The rest was pretty pitiful. Buck spun in a bit of a panic and finally spotted WoofWoof. Both of them were relieved when Buck kept his bladder and then Buck ran directly towards WoofWoof.

WoofWoof, a twenty-five foot tall red Labrador, smiled as he saw Buck running towards him. He yelled out to the human, “Ho! Ho! Buck! Ho!” Buck’s two legs scampered under him with excitement, but he managed to stop before smashing himself onto the dog. He immediately sat down criss-cross-apple-sauce, which WoofWoof had firmly but kindly helped him learn. Buck thought ruefully of all those tasty seitan treats he was allowed that day.

Buck allowed WoofWoof to open his mouth and look at his teeth for a few moments before turning his head. He licked his lips as WoofWoof had stuck a rough paw in his mouth and he did not like the taste.

“Het! Het!” said WoofWoof and Buck presented his face back to the dog. “Het” was not a good person word. Buck wanted very much to be a very good person and “Het” is not associated with good. WoofWoof looked over Buck’s teeth carefully and checked inside his pants.

Buck smiled as WoofWoof clipped on a long leather strip to his neck and became excited. Usually, if WoofWoof attached a strip to his neck, it would mean they would spend some time together.

“Yahoo! Yahoo! Yahoo!” yelled Buck. He was very excited to be going somewhere, and the dog led the human by the neck via the strap.

The walk was a bit short for Buck’s taste, but WoofWoof ambled up to a huge panel of steel suspended by torusui of inflated rubber. In wonder, Buck watched the thing his master could command with what seemed to be mystic paw and tail motions. The way of masters was unknowable to Buck.

The speedhouse was like WoofWoof’s home but it could run faster than even WoofWoof. Like super fast. If Buck was a good human, he would be allowed to stick his head out of the side while this speedhouse ran. Parts of the speedhouse could move up and down and some were transparent and some made absurd noise that just confused Buck but made WoofWoof happy somehow.

When WoofWoof was happy, so was Buck. So, when WoofWoof opened the side of the speedhouse with paws and gestured inside, Buck was, as a very smart and good human, happy to jump inside. It wasn’t really shaped for his body but he managed to find a spot to get comfortable. WoofWoof entered and Buck tried to sit on his fuzzy lap, but the dog was not in the mood. Buck instead sat back and just sweated.

The cooling jets directed to the dog’s tongue kept WoofWoof cool. Buck waited and then put his hand carefully on a clear portion of the speedhouse. Buck tried “Yahoo? Yahoo?” and WoofWoof made the clear portion descend. Buck placed his head and was grateful for the breeze. He watched in awe as the speedhouse raced and raced past den after den. There were other humans outside. Other losers actually. Buck had never found another human worth a damn; he liked dogs far better.

So many losers walking outside today! He told them how much losing they were doing as the speedhouse raced past, “YAHOO! YAHOO! YAHOO!”

Buck fell back into the speedhouse when it suddenly turned. His face loudly smacked the dash, he blinked from the severe pain, and then he smiled happily at WoofWoof. Things couldn’t be better. He looked around and put his head back outside for a bit.

Buck watched as the speedhouse turned into a strange area. Many other speedhouses and the occasional loser. Buck saw another loser as he got out of the speedhouse. He put that dude in his place with a combo of “YAHOO! YAHOO! YAHOO!” and the loser dared to counter with a lame “YAHOO! YAHOO!” (It was clear he wasn’t raised well. Obviously, he wasn’t a Noel Coward fan). So, Buck launched himself directly at the loser and the two men got into a spitty snarling mess before WoofWoof intervened. It was good that WoofWoof came in because the loser was going to lose some more and Buck told him so, “Yahoo!”

Then, WoofWoof led Buck into a strange house with a strange, very hard-looking dog. Maybe a snow dog of some kind, thought Buck. He stood very close to WoofWoof to avoid being eaten. He never was sure about other dogs, but WoofWoof had proven to not be interested in eating humans. Buck took WoofWoof’s lead when dealing with new dogs.

“Tufshet! Tufshet! Tufshet! Tufshet!” said the new dog. Buck decided to name it Tufshet as it sounded close to what the new animal would say.

“Woof Woof! Woof Woof! Woof Woof! Woof Woof!” said WoofWoof. Buck never knew what happened between two or more dogs, but it was clear that WoofWoof and Tufshet were not enemies. Buck’s anxiety eased but he needed to defecate. He looked up at WoofWoof and tried to use his “I need to defecate” eyes on him. WoofWoof did not see Buck and as the urgency of the situation increased, Buck touched WoofWoof’s leg and turned in a few circles.

WoofWoof saw Buck this time and took him outside briefly to some nearby grass. Buck dropped his pants and defecated on the grass. The dog picked up the feces in a green bag, tied it up neatly with his paws, and tossed it into a nearby cylinder with an open hole. Buck always wondered why WoofWoof was so very concerned about his feces, but Buck did not judge anyone’s strange proclivities and certainly his master was beyond any criticism for sure.

WoofWoof took Buck immediately back inside and the two dogs kept on with their barking duet of “Woof! Woof!” and “Tufshet! Tufshet!” Buck sat criss-cross-apple-sauce, which should show both dogs what a very smart and good human he was. He watched both dogs carefully and wondered when they’d be going back home. Buck was tired and wanted to take a nap. He hated to start one here and then have to get up. That said, Buck was pretty sure everyone saw his excellent sitting. It was always good to make a good first impression. He felt he could relax a bit now and just lay down. He panted a bit and sneezed. He liked sneezing. Was like a wash of the brain from the back to the front.

The dogs finally stopped their bark duet. Then, oddly, WoofWoof handed his strap to Tufshet. The big red dog looked at Buck and said something odd, “Bah! Buck! Ho! Buck! Ho! Buck! Bah. Bah.” Water was flowing from WoofWoof’s eyes and then he left the store without Buck! Buck was very concerned about where WoofWoof had gone and why he was tied to Tufshet.

He was pretty sure WoofWoof would come back for him very soon, as this was not one of the typical places he greatly feared. This was not where he was thrown into water and had chemicals smeared over him. He hated that place with their strange devices and constant poking and prodding. Always some strange dog that he barely met would doghandle him for like hours and then, he would end up with less hair and some awful smell. There was the dude with needles that totally had no idea what he was doing. That wasn’t even worth discussing.

Tufshet then led Buck inside to a cell. Buck hated to be put in a cell but he knew that good humans allow this to happen to them. He walked inside slowly and looked sadly back at Tufshet. The door closed and Buck sat criss-cross-apple-sauce. He was sure WoofWoof would come for him soon. So, he decided that, instead of just worrying, it would be best to just take his nap here. It would be annoying to be woken up, but it would be great to see WoofWoof again sooner rather than later.

Buck’s eyes slowly closed as he fell lightly asleep in his cell.