Bugs

The BunnyPrime civic amphitheater was packed. Everybunny worth anybunny was there. The Bugs was celebrating his twenty-first birthday and the entire House was ecstatic in their celebration. The na-Bunny was not only deadly but beautifully witty. He was known to find the perfect bon mot for every execution he performed here for the entertainment of the warren.

Sitting in the locker room, Bugs’ eyes drooped as he felt the sugar running through his veins. He sniffed a few times and put in his earphones. The ancient music played and he started to amp himself up. The song was called the Ride of the Valkyries. He didn’t feel the urge to wear a helmet with horns on it.

He had a hopper drug manifold and was engaged in what he called a pre-party. The BunUrge ran clear into his lower neck and he moderated the flow until his sugar rage level hit toddler-denied-ice-cream. He looked across his favorite set of close combat weapons.

The peanut brittle straight razor attracted his eyes for a moment. He took a small sample and said, “Already a bit salty. Fairy blood’ll ruin the taste.” He saw the jaw breakers and asked for a nearby squirrel to come over. After jamming the jaw breakers repeatedly into the squirrel’s face and only breaking a bone half the time, he put down these as well.

Then, he saw the Peppermint k-bar. The serrated teeth in pink and green made him happy. He stabbed a nearby squirrel and tasted the blade. “Nice,” said the rabbit as he bobbed his head to the music in his earphones.

Bugs stood in front of the arena entry and took two deep snorts of pixie dust. He lightly smacked his forehead with his fists and mumbled “What’s up, doc,” a few times to calm down.

He had his ears tied back but decided to dress as a male: he didn’t want to be too sexy on his birthday. He signaled that he was ready and the arena door opened. Bright lights spilled in as his entry fanfare began. He snorted a bit more dust, pawed at his nose, and walked into the arena.

The crowd of rabid rabbits screamed and jelly beans rained down in waves from the fans over The Bugs’ lidded eyes. The na-Bunny sneered and posed a bit. Then, he called out “WHO IS HUNTING RABBITS!” to the delight of the audience.

“WHO IS?” yelled the western side of the audience.

“HUNTING RABBITS!” replied the eastern side. The audience repeated several times as the na-Bunny walked around the arena with his arms over his head.

A fairy with clipped wings was pushed out into the arena. The na-Bunny and the few squirrels that had survived the weapon demo started over its way. The fairy was dressed in brown with a deerstalker hat. It held a breech-loading side-by-side shotgun, but did not seem to have any shells anywhere.

Bugs looked at the brown fairy and yelled upwards to his rabid rabbits in the stands, “IS IT RABBIT SEASON OR …”

The crowd replied lustily with a prolonged, “NOOOOOOOOOO!”

“… FAIRY SEASON!” he finished to their absolute glee. The crowd chanted, “FAIRY SEASON!” over and over as The Bugs clapped to the beat.

He then asked the fairy and the crowd, “WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO SHOOT YOU NOW OR WAIT UNTIL WE GET HOME?”

The crowd roared, “SHOOT HIM NOW! SHOOT HIM NOW!”

“Shoot me now,” the fairy mumbled into the microphone that Bugs supplied suddenly.

Bugs nodded at this a bit and then stuck his k-bar into the brown fairy’s neck. The gore sprayed in a purple fountain over the na-Bunny’s grey fur.

“NO! I WILL NOT SHOOT YOU NOW!” said the preening rabbit to his adoring crowd.

He pointed upward at his uncle Rabban in the stands. The rabid rabbit Rabban squealed with delight at the salute and said to his neighbor rabbits in his private booth, “That saucy bunny! Wait for your little birthday surprise you wascaly wabbit.”

The crowd roared as the arena door opened and another fairy was pushed into the arena. Bugs looked confused as the fairy had a strange costume on.

The fairy had a metal helmet over a face that was missing. Bugs squinted and could see only the staring lidless eyes in the void. He suspected that the face had been painted over with vantablack. The red top and green slatted skirt made Bugs think of a history lesson he was forced to watch. “Romans?” the na-Bunny wondered as his head turned side to side in his confusion.

The red fairy exclaimed “You have made me very angry. Very angry indeed!” and raised a pistol towards Bugs and fired a nasty looking beam.

Bugs tossed a nearby squirrel in front of him, and the inbound beam melted the squirrel into steaming acorns.

The red fairy managed to look angry. “There was supposed to be a big kaboom!” it yelled. The na-Bunny leapt towards the armed fairy as it tried to reload its firearm. Knowing that he wouldn’t be able to close the full distance, Bugs threw his blade at the dark orb where he believed the thing’s head might reside.

The blade vibrated a bit as it sunk deeply between the two eyes of the red fairy’s abyss-like cranium.

“Kaboom,” said Bugs and the red fairy fell to its knees. The crowd roared in approval as he pulled the blade out from the dead fairy’s body.

Bugs looked up at his uncle with a sneer, “Which way to Pismo Beach, uncle!”

Rabban laughed as Bugs dropped into a nearby hole to end his birthday.