The Job Board

The Job Board

I’m 21 years old at the UCLA job board looking for work.

I see the postings that list possible employment opportunities for new UCLA graduates.

PRIESTESS OF THE DEEP — Cult of Cthulhu (R’lyeh Division) Entry Level / New Grad Welcome

Must Have: - Bachelor’s degree (any field — you won’t use it) - Ability to chant for 6+ hours without bathroom break - Comfortable working in damp, sunken environments - Willingness to look directly at things that will destroy you - Strong Excel skills

Nice to Have: - Familiarity with elder gods (1-2 internships preferred) - Tentacle-adjacent experience - Can maintain sanity in meetings (temporary sanity acceptable) - Fluent in Ph’nglui mglw’nafh or similar dead languages - Previous experience converting sacrifices to PowerPoint

Compensation: Competitive. You will not need money where you are going.

Yeah, the -ESS means they probably want a woman… next…

LIKE TO HUCK! LIKE SNAKES! LOOK HERE! SNAKE HUCKOLOGIST — Oak Park Wildlife Services Entry Level / No Experience Necessary (But You Should Be Decent)

Must Have: - Like snakes - Be decent

Nice to Have: - Prior hucking or hucking as hobby - Own car (snakes ride passenger) - Facebook account

Compensation: Pshaw.

Wow. This looks good, but I don’t like snakes. next…

Established by Dr. Clamcheese, MD/DDS/BBQ

Must Have: - Own bleeding edge (will not be provided, do not ask) - Familiarity with the works and published menus of Dr. Clamcheese - Able to make generous slice (must feed entire family plus doggie bag) - Comfortable preparing heads on trolley

Nice to Have: - Prior experience with savory flesh - Can identify T-Rex by cut - Willing to serve customers who may or may not have aspirations - References from Clowney or similar

Compensation: Yum.

Yep. No bleeding edge. I floss…

MEDIA BUYER — [MAJOR HOLDING COMPANY] Entry Level / We Are Always Hiring

Must Have: - Strong constitution - Able to spell SQL with a blindfold on - Tall

Nice to Have: - Literacy - Numeracy - Human organs - Ability to distinguish net from gross (sticky note provided) - Willingness to drink at lunch and function after - Own calculator (we will not provide one) - Can tell us what a bulletpoint is for.

Compensation: You will be able to support five or six hungry children in Africa for a month.

Only one off. I guess this?